Empathy

Anonymous
By Anonymous Latest Reply 2011-11-12 01:09:40 -0600
Started 2011-10-25 10:08:18 -0500

I dont know why i am telling you all this. Maybe it is just to get it down so i can sort it out. I was just diagnosed with diabetes and starting the process of changeing one of the things that brought me pleasure…eating. However i dont seem to get any empathy from my husband. He has been a diabetic for about 3 years now. And as soon as he started eating right he lost alot of weight and everyone thought he was the poster person cause he got in such good shape with little effort. Well then we find he had colon cancer and has treatment and is clean now and even his diebetes went away…and all this time i was by his side encouraging him. Now that it is my turn to be sick.. Where is he? All he seems to do is compare my illness to his. His was big. I dont want comparison. I want empathy! He gives it out all day at work being a PA in orthopedics that he seems to have nothing left for his family. I guess i dont know what to expect from him. Its not like he has been rude or anything like that..i have the best husband in the whole world but i was hoping for…a little more empathy


16 replies

MrsCDogg
MrsCDogg 2011-11-12 01:09:40 -0600 Report

Maybe you just need to remind him how supportive you are of him. It doesn't really matter what his job is during the day he is your husband 24/7, 365! In my opinon that should come before anything else. But, that's just my opinon and you know what folks say about that…

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2011-10-27 13:20:32 -0500 Report

HI,

I am sorry to hear that your husband cannot be there for you during this time of need. I know this has to be especially painful considering now you were there for him when he needed you.

I don't want to try to make excuses for your husband's behavior, so please don't think that is my intention. But it may be that he is scared for you, and doesn't know how to express his feelings, and so this is all coming out in a "just suck it up and get on with things" attitude. There may be some denial going on, as well, e.g. "pretend it's not a big deal and it won't be." He may also be remembering some of his own fears and struggles and doesn't want to be remind of them. And maybe he is just scared of the idea that you are experiencing your own health issues, and what that might mean in the future.

I understand that this is not supportive for you, and feels like a lot of selfishness on his part. I am not saying that it isn't. But he may also need some patience.

As for his compassion at work, unfortunately, people helpers may find that it is a lot easier to be compassionate toward strangers than it is with their own family members. The stakes are just a lot higher with the people you are closest to, we are just that much more vulnerable. Ironic, right?

Here is a link to a discussion that I posted awhile back, which you might find helpful:

http://www.diabeticconnect.com/discussions/11455-in-sickness-and-in-health-or-so-you-were-promised

What is most important right now is that YOU get support. Do you have other family members or friends that you can reach out to, who can be supportive, listening ears for you? HAve you looked into a support group for new diabetics at your local hospital? In sipite of the lack of support from your husband, I hope that you will focus on yourself and get what you need during this difficult time.

And I hope that you will stay in touch with your friends on Diabetic Connect. Don't go through this alone!

Gary

shawnamom
shawnamom 2011-10-26 14:06:26 -0500 Report

I didnt mean to be anonymous…it jUst happened…thanks for all the good advice…he has come around and realized i needed his empathy and he has been very encouraging now …so thank you for all your support. Hopefully the more i live this the more i can encourage also

Starry20
Starry20 2011-11-01 22:17:27 -0500 Report

When you have unsympathetic and unsupportive people in your life the best thing to do would to b surround yourself with the people that have the desired feelings!! Hugs to u!!

RAYT721
RAYT721 2011-10-26 14:19:47 -0500 Report

Moral: communication is key! So glad you are getting things worked out to get the support you want… and need … and deserve! Hugz!

Mickey/CCHT
Mickey/CCHT 2011-10-26 10:10:08 -0500 Report

Have you sat him down and had a heart to heart with him and told him how he is huring you? It can be done in a calm and loving manner. Some guys just don't get it unless you spell it out for them AND draw them a picture! Guys are wired differently from women and alot of them don't get that sensitive stuff. Does not mean he is a bad guy, just that he's a guy. If you tell him how you feel and that you really need his love and support during this scary time for you, hopefully he will step up! Good Luck and God Bless. If you need to vent or any more ?'s, we are here for you!

pixsidust
pixsidust 2011-10-25 20:11:16 -0500 Report

There seems to be a competitive spirit in him. Women want to vent, be heard and understood. Men are by nature fixers. He may have the dynamic of whose worse me or you…or that may be off base. He may not be able to fix you except by relating to himself. Any way many men are just like this and at the end of the day he may not have much left.
Cancer takes a huge toll…

You may need to be your own comfort besides finding it here or with friends. You have to rise up and take back your life.

He probably fought heavily for survival and expects you to do the same. Life may be too short in his perspective to spend time moping. You too can be a victor. Celebrate all the successes you have and do not dwell on the failures. Every failure is an opportunity to do better next time. Climb the hill ahead of you and join your husband. Be the bright spot, he looks forward to coming home to. You'll become more attractive to him and with that comes closeness. Isn't that what we want to be close to the ones we love?

Pick a name, any name … You will still be incognito and we can talk, be friends and give you empathy…

lifedriver
lifedriver 2011-10-25 14:10:32 -0500 Report

I feel your pain, it is hard for someone whom may never had this condition not to understand however, for your significant other to not show more compassion is a hard pill to swallow especially when you are new to Diabetes and for sure friegten of what is to come in you acceting and following a new life style. You must understand that you are the only one to see you thru this transition. Yes, you and God and perhaps some friends that are living with the disease. Remember people here in this discussion will help you along the way.

Heather44118
Heather44118 2011-10-25 12:57:58 -0500 Report

have him read what you wrote. Sometimes people don't even realize that they are leaving the family out. At times it seems when we need someone the most they don't give it to us. Hugs

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