How do you deal with negative people in your life?

realsis77
By realsis77 Latest Reply 2012-05-03 13:56:07 -0500
Started 2011-08-27 12:40:02 -0500

hi. its hard to stay positive sometimes when you have negative people in your life putting you down. how do you deal with negativity when it comes your way? i cant just stay away from this person .this person is a very big part of my life. they are not always negative, but about once a month they become very negative. they put me down and cast blame. its always about something different but it always happens. the house isnt clean enough, laundry is not right, ect. it really brings me down because sometimes its taken to the extreme where i get the "silent treatment" for a few days. i want to stay positive but its difficult. any sugestions?


79 replies

Setzer
Setzer 2012-05-02 18:46:53 -0500 Report

Like other people have said, I don't deal with them either. It's best to just not have them as part of your life. I don't have the time or patience for them. I had to cut some people out of my life that were once good friends, but times change and it had to be done..

shortysmalls
shortysmalls 2012-05-02 19:42:44 -0500 Report

dont like to deal with the negitivity…diabetes is tough enough at times without having the nagging negitive ppl around. they think they are helping but at times really arent…we dont need the added stress which can make it worse so I just try for us to call some type of truce and it works

Wound Lady
Wound Lady 2012-05-03 08:52:49 -0500 Report

Like I said don't deal with negativity. Laugh them out of the depressed state they are in. If that doesn't work say whatever you have to get away. Have a snack & a cup of coffee. :)

MewElla
MewElla 2012-04-29 13:57:15 -0500 Report

I just do not deal with them…don't have the time or patience, nor do I need to, these types of people only stress me out and I do not need this, not good for my health! I walk away from them and let them "deal."

locarbarbie
locarbarbie 2012-04-29 10:18:09 -0500 Report

Maybe I am off base, but it is odd that you say it only happens on a monthly basis…there are 2 things that I can think of that routinely happen every month without fail: monthly periods (and I get the impression that this is a guy, so that is out!) and paying the bills. Is this person responsible for paying the bills and if so could he be worried about finances and making the money stretch?? When someone is worried, scared or frustrated, they may have a tendency to blow little things out of purportion and lash out.
Is it possible for you to sit down when things are calm and discuss your concerns and feelings with this person? I understand your not liking confrontation, but it is not healthy for you to keep your concerns bottled up. If nothing else, maybe you could involve a third party (such as your pastor) so you would feel more safe. Or contact your pastor privately and ask for his advice.

nzingha
nzingha 2012-04-29 05:05:24 -0500 Report

i walk away from them… yep avoid them like the plague. i used to try to be nice… try to see whats happening in their own lives and try to be understanding… that was then..now i simply walk away from them. i used to have this 'friend'.. nasty fellow, always negative and i noticed his friends were all missing. i used to think..oh they need to be more understanding… he's going thru a lot. till one day he spouted all this venom on me and i thought..this man is toxic… i need to get out of his way. and i did. i miss the good things about him… but he was too much of a burden to keep as a friend. always had to watch what i said or did around him for fear of upsetting him. i could not be myself…always had to agree with his perspective on things… enough.. i had enough…and i've been doing that even for family…i just simply walk away…if they want to remain in my life and change their ways, then i'll deal with them.

tamoumoune
tamoumoune 2012-01-28 14:43:13 -0600 Report

You cannot stay completely away from negative people because they are around us at work and in our personal lives. The way to deal with a negative person is first, be true to yourself and remain positive. No one can put you down if you are already "up", your self esteem is high, and you are positive about the person that you are. Remember, you cannot and will never be able to change anyone but yourself. Keep on being the person that you are, be positive. Perhaps, your positive attitude will rub off on that negative person, Good Luck!

Wound Lady
Wound Lady 2012-05-03 08:58:10 -0500 Report

I like your style. Very upbeat and positive. We could be good friends. My husband just can't resist my smile and positive att. He tells me I'm just to happy.

Anonymous
Anonymous 2012-01-27 01:22:17 -0600 Report

Tell the person that they need to work on their negativity and you'll work on a plan to clean house, laundry, etc. with them helping you! That way you both have done the household chores together. Sillent treatment, it's your time, so make use of it and don't let them see it upsets you.

Does this happen about the same time, like time to pay bills or something at work? If that is the case, then say look it's almost that time, lets try to come up with a way to make it less stressfull. Maybe the person is so stressed and you are the only one that he/she can take it out on. That doesn't make it right, so you have to let it be known that you will not put up with it any longer. Otherwise, it'll never stop and probably get worse.

Hope everything gets better.

Caroltoo
Caroltoo 2012-01-27 00:52:47 -0600 Report

You aren't the problem, whatever is going on with the other person about once a month is the problem, you are simply having the blame projected onto you. That means, simply, you can never keep house clean enough, or cook good enough meals, or …fill in the blank… because that is not the issue.

Do you have any idea what could be happening with this other person at that time: PMS, work stress, male menopause, money has run out and person wants to party,… whatever is the commonality in their life is the issue.

Affirm what you are doing well. I am a good cook, I keep a clean house (ok, no one is going eat off my kitchen floor but its clean enough), I am a good and loving person, etc. Your evaluaution of your worth doesn't rest with that other person, it is your evaluation of you. You are a good person. You don't deserve someone putting you down, so don't own it (don't take it into yourself as yours).

Frankly, around someone that negative I think I would welcome the silent treatment for a few days and would go right on living my life joyously because that person doesn't deserve to be able to bring me down. I am OK, in fact, I'm great! It's the other person's problem; let them simmer in it. Don't help them out by being their victim.

cavie2
cavie2 2012-01-26 02:07:45 -0600 Report

Negativity is a virus that spreads like a poison, if you are around someone who is constantly like this your tend to get depressed and down. I now make the decision to walk away from people like that and keep my distance. Whether they be neighbours, friends, family, work collegues etc. When you feel yourself being dragged down repeat a positive affirmation like " I deserve to be happy and healthy. THIS IS A FACT" and send out strong, loving, positive energy or think of something/someone that makes you happy. I have 28 positive affirmations that I say 3 times a day and always try and find the funny side of life. After I have been on anyone of the 5 sites that I am a member of I always say them, as reading about other peoples struggles or loses is actually negative energy and reciting them lifts me back up to the level that I want to be at.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-01-26 10:20:09 -0600 Report

I am just starting positive healing affirmations. http://www.diabeticconnect.com/discussions/13801-here-i-go-again-free-your-mind I have two right now. I am working on adding more. What kind of affirmations do you use?

Wound Lady
Wound Lady 2012-05-03 09:01:18 -0500 Report

Always be positive about what you are starting. Don't let negative be in your affirmations. Take one day at a time and do your very best.

cavie2
cavie2 2012-01-26 22:13:00 -0600 Report

If you are writing positive affirmations make sure you right them as if you already have it and don't say things like: I would like or I wish I could have. Your thoughts are casting doubts that it may not work (what goes around comes around)for health I would say:

"I have perfect health! I like feeling good, I see many people who are in a state of good health and it is easy to see how much they are enjoying their good-feeling bodies. When I think thoughts like these, I feel good. These thoughts are in harmony with a healthy body. THIS IS A FACT".

"I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy. THIS IS A FACT"

"I deserve to be happy and healthy. THIS IS A FACT"

"I am receiving every good thing, I am happy. I am abundant. I am healthy. I am filled with energy every single day. THIS IS A FACT"

Feel the emotion the words conjure up, the Universe responds to your thoughts, moods, spoken words. You don't have to actually say these affirmations just read them from paper. They are your thoughts and will be picked up. Just imagine if you trully had perfect health how happy and contented you would be and how grateful you would feel. Say them several times EVERY day. Your mood changes as you ASK-BELIEVE-RECEIVE

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-01-27 08:53:20 -0600 Report

That is what I have been focusing on. My first one is that "This moment is now filled with joy. I choose to experience the sweetness of life." My other one, which has become more solid in my day to day is "I trust the process of life and I am safe". They are really neat.

The book I am reading (working from) is You Can Heal Your Life. It is very much like what you are saying. It is a power that I knew about, but never really made myself do. Now I am doing it, and it really does work.

I also look in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself. Looking into my eyes I do that. Then I think about how I treat people that I love, and treat myself that way...it is very cool.

Thanks for sharing yours. I will incorporate them in my next affirmation that I write. I make them on index cards. I do a drawing on the front that is the emotional connection to the words on the back. They are on my bathroom mirror right now.

cavie2
cavie2 2012-01-28 13:39:09 -0600 Report

You could also say " I choose to believe in my own worthiness. I love and accept myself exactly as I am right now"
If I have negative thoughts about something or someone I say:
"I praise and bless them and send out feelings of love, joy and peace. I wish them perfect health and all the best for the future.

draco59
draco59 2012-01-25 22:26:22 -0600 Report

I agree with the rest of them. But one question, did this start before or after you were diagnosed ?

northerngal
northerngal 2012-01-25 15:10:06 -0600 Report

Very calmly explain to the person that the constand put downs are upsetting to you and how that makes you feel. That way, you are not laying blame on the other person, but you are still letting them know that it bothers you. I agree with some who suggested that if the person refuses to change the attitude, they not be welcome back. Its difficult to not get into an arguement with people like that, but it is your place and its your responsibility to care for it as you choose. Some people are just very unhappy and can't stop nitpicking everything they see. They don't change, but hopefully, letting them know how it affects you will make them think about it.

cindygal1
cindygal1 2012-01-25 14:56:32 -0600 Report

I would tell her that she could visit, and if she didn't like the way things was done let her do it, or tell her to go home, it is your house not hers, so just let her know that, that you do things your way not hers.

Jameesa
Jameesa 2011-08-30 07:40:28 -0500 Report

Most people that are so negative, are not happy with themselves…
pray for them…

MewElla
MewElla 2011-08-30 07:51:02 -0500 Report

I totally agree with you…they lash out at others but it is really themselves they are inwardly fighting with…

robertoj
robertoj 2011-08-29 04:13:24 -0500 Report

I feel sorry for such people and I have been taught to pray for them. There is a negative person in my life; the problem is that other people are affected. I cannot afford to be negative and interacting with the many positive people in the DC community is one of my most valuable tools. Thank you for an important and interesting discussion.

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-29 06:09:35 -0500 Report

Your welcome! Yes it is difficult. I wanted to get some ideas on how not to let the negativity affect me! I want to stay positive because life is so much easier with a positive attitude, don't you think? :) I also love the positive people here on DC they have really helped me through some difficult times and taught me a lot! I also love positive people! Don't let the negative bring you down! Keep smiling! :)

robertoj
robertoj 2011-08-29 16:18:03 -0500 Report

I don't know how but for the last two months I have been almost completely immune to negativity. It must be that I am constantly reminded that I am truly blessed and that I really believe that my setbacks present the opportunity for growth. Keep smiling :D

robertoj
robertoj 2011-08-29 16:52:34 -0500 Report

I spent the greater part of my life hearing but not listening. I have been blessed with having many around me my entire life that told me many wise things. I never payed attention; when I realized that I had to change; all that wisdom became clear. Thank God I have an incredible memory.

Anonymous
Anonymous 2011-08-29 01:40:12 -0500 Report

I can relate to what you are saying. I have been married to the same man for many years. We had children together who are now adults and we are grandparents. My husband has slowly destroyed my life. I love him but the person that I really am has been buried for many years. Everything is about what he wants and nothing that I do is good enough for him. Everything that doesn't go his way is my fault. When the kids did something wrong it was my fault. I was never allowed to have friends or go to see my family. Whenever there was a family function that he had to let me go to my life would be a living hell for days before the event and then afterwards I had to endure hours of griping and him putting my family members down. I was stuck when the kids were growing up. I wasn't allowed to have a drivers liscense or go anywhere without him watching over me. He controlled everything about my life. He is a very negative person. I am never allowed to be my own person. I left him six months ago and started making my dreams happen. He comes and eats dinner with me and goes home. I don't let him control me anymore. I had to get my drivers liscense when my kids needed someone to ride with them so they could learn to drive, I was 30+ yrs. old. I have decided that I have had enough. I had to put up with it before because I needed his money to take care of our kids but now I'm free and finding myself again.

Jimslin
Jimslin 2011-08-29 04:27:04 -0500 Report

You're story sounds very similar to my own! I was married for nearly 20 years. Our kids are all grown with families of their own now. It took several years, but my ex-husband and I are now good friends. That makes life a whole lot easier!. He remarried right after our divorce but they are now separated. He and our children usually spend any holidays at my house. He sleeps on the couch!

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-29 03:54:39 -0500 Report

Wow I am very happy that you are doing well! God bless you! Thank you so much for sharing your story! Yes I can relate to many things you have said! . Its so stramge because in my case he can be so wonderful then change like a complerely different person! I never know when it will happen . It happens about once a month for several days. Then he is back to "normal"…

northerngal
northerngal 2012-01-25 15:22:50 -0600 Report

Sounds like mental illness! I worked in a prison for the mentally ill, there were many very controlling personalities (congrats to anonymous for leaving) and every other diagnosis in the book. It's not like on tv where the behavior is extreme, but some can be. The psychiatric medications today are a hundred times better than just 20 years ago. The side effects are much milder or non existant and the person can live a very normal life. Its common for chemicals in the brain to be unbalanced or missing and replacing them makes a world of difference. The problem is getting people to admit there is a problem. Any physician can prescribe some of the medications that would help or refer to someone who can. At the very least, a blood test sounds in order to determine whats going on. Hope this helps and good luck. Remember, it isn't necessarily mental illness, but possibly a chemical imbalance. No stigma need be attached!

margokittycat
margokittycat 2011-08-28 21:08:59 -0500 Report

I use to have someone like that in my life and it really sucks. You have to turn it into a positive and let yourself know you are doing the best that you can andthat is all you can do. I might ask them if they had an suggestions on how to do what ever it is they are saying isn't good enough better. Maybe they have an idea of how they think it should be done and it might work. Give it a shot.

nay1414
nay1414 2011-08-28 21:02:42 -0500 Report

Just turn the negative in to a positive.If they say that is not clean enough then say I am working on that or it' fine for me now.If they reply nasty then ask how they would do it right.Or just a simple I am sorry that you think that/feel that way.That buggs my mom when I say that.

granniesophie
granniesophie 2011-08-28 19:25:44 -0500 Report

Just to add my 2 cents worth, from everything that I have read that you have posted, you are a very nice, caring and helpful person, and I'm sorry that someone in your life has to be so controlling that he cannot see all the good in you. Maybe you can take small steps in learning to stand up for yourself, much like we all do in learning to cope with our Diabetes with small steps. One day at at a time, little by little.
I get so mad when someone I like gets hurt, not Harlan ripping off heads and pooing mad, but mad that an injustice was done to a friend that I can't fix, so all I can say is, you have friends here, and we care about you, so keep on trying to stand up for yourself and we'll keep supporting you :)

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2011-08-28 17:23:12 -0500 Report

Hey realsis,

How you doing? This is a great idea for a discussion. It seems like there are so many negative people in the world right now. To be honest, I think that there are so many problems right now, especially the economy, that many people are in a negative frame of mind because they are scared and frustrated.

I posted a discussion on unkind people awhile back, you might find this helpful.

http://www.diabeticconnect.com/discussions/10649-unkind-people-and-hurtful-words

When I am goofing around, I can be a little sarcastic at times and I have learned to be really careful about that. Sometimes it comes out as negativity. And I have to say then when I am overly tired or frustrated, I can be more sarcastic than normal if I am not being mindful of my mood and my behavior.

I am especially careful about what I say in email. The reader doesn't get to to see the smile behind the snarkiness.

I think it's important for us all to be mindful of how we come across to others, and strive to treat each with encouragement and kindness. Wouldn't it be nice if more people did that?

Hope your week gets off to a good start!

Gary

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-28 21:15:55 -0500 Report

Thank you for the reply! I agree. Its important! Yes it would be wonderful if more people were mindful of others feelings and I also agree these times we live in are very stressful as well and I'm sure that adds to negative talk! Thank you for the link, I will read the discussion! :) please have a wonderful week and as always it was great to hear from you! :) :)

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2011-08-31 16:00:07 -0500 Report

Sometimes I kind of go overboard to acknowledge simple acts of kindness, even as simple as when someone entering a building ahead of me actually holds the door for me. I thank them profusely. I see so much unkindness and plain old rudeness that I try to reward those moments of simple kindness.

I hope you are doing well!

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-31 16:18:39 -0500 Report

I am the same way :) I have the same tendencey to over thank for simple kindness acts also! Haha I guess that's just the way we are! My biggest problem is with confortation. I just can't do it. Perhaps it stems from childhood. My father was very strict and very loud and very drunk. So any time someone raises there voice at me I cower down and hide my head in the sand so to speak. I've tried to overcome this and I've had many years of counceling but this is one thing I can't seem to over come! This is my biggest fault! As soon as someone raises their voice to me no matter what is said to me and no matter how inapporaite it is I can not confront them. So I actually just sit quietly and take it. I never speak of it again to that person and they get an idea that its ok to speak to me that way. This has happened over and over in my life.I think I'm afraid if I stand up for my self they will leave or get even more angry! Do you have any advice on how to overcome this fear? I would much appercieate your input! Thank you so much! Your friend, lynnette

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2011-09-01 08:13:35 -0500 Report

Hi!

Nice to hear from you. We have a lot in common. I am also someone who is uncomfortable with anger and conflict stuations.

Our parents have a really big impact on us in so many ways. As a child, when an adult is yelling at us and berating us, we have no choice but to sit and take it. Children are powerless, and parents unfortunately often treat them in a way that makes them feel even more powerlesss. A child with an angry and bombastic parent learns very early to put their head down and wait for it to end, if not to try to be as invisible as possible to try to avoid more.

So that approach to conflict gets hardwired. And it stays with us into adulthood as the falll-back coping mechanism when confronted by angry people. That fear button gets triggered and we become that scared child again. Followed by our anger at having put up with abuse.

However, as adults we have a lot more options. We can calmly say, "I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner" or "Why don't we discuss ths when you aren't so angry." Or just recognizing someone as a bully and simply walking away?

So why we do that? I think it is because we haven't updated our "database." We are fallling back into a coping mechanism that is no longer useful in every situation instead of updating our database of potential responses.

Mindfulness can help a lot in these situations.

When you find yourself in a conflict situation, take a deep breath to calm yourself and bring you INTO the current moment and OUT OF that moment years and years ago when your father had you backed into a corner and was yelling at you. Again, get into THIS moment, with you as an adult being confronted by an angry and/or abusive person.

Do a quick review of the facts. What is going on here? Who has the power? Is this a situation that I can and want to resolve right now or is it one that can wait until the strong emotions subside?

Remind yourself that you are a grown up now and that you have a lot more options. In other words, you can stand there and put up with their behavior if you need to, but you also have the choice of saying something or simply walking away. Your role in life is not to be the person that other people are entitled to abuse. Those days are over.

Use some positve self-talk. Remind yourself that you are a worthwhile, lovable, kind person who doesn't abuse other people and doesn't deserve to be abused.

And remind yourself that you are seeing someone at what might be their worst. They may have a lot of their own stuff going on. It doesn' mean that you should sit and take it -- just the opposite. But it also doesn't mean that you have to cut them out of your life.

When the air is clear, try to have a talk with them about what happened, what was unacceptable to you, and suggest the best way for them to communicate with you. Who knows, this conversation might even bring the two of you closer.

Now.... keep in mind that hardwiring has to be unwired and rewired, and that takes time. So don't get all rough on yourself if you don't experience what you consider to be immediate success. Just knowing that you have options, and resolving to learn new ways to feel and behave, is a giant leap forward.

It might also help to work on your self-talk day by day. Give yourself positive messages, do good things for yourself, surround yourself by positive people, practice being honest about what you think and how you feel with people who know and love you and with whom you feel safe. Build up those self-esteem muscles. In other words, be proactive.

Again, this is a process. Two steps forward, one step back. But recognizing the possibilities -- and free yourself from the past -- is one big step in the right direction.

I hope this helps!

Gary

lilsista39
lilsista39 2011-08-28 11:39:54 -0500 Report

You know I can't say weather I like this or not I'm a very positive person who hates negative people.I love my kids all of them but I cant stand my son in law he comes in the room and takes all the energy from it if you know what i mean (I swear if it were possible he could suck the life out of shit)lol lol lol lol !!!!!!!!!!!!!! So i avoid him as much as possible and thats mainly what i do i just avoid the negative people in my life.They ask me to come out with them and I respectfully decline their invite without hurting feelings but if they want blood, blood is what they get.And about the house its yous you live in it who cares how it looks if dosent like tell him to get up off his ass and do it n give you a break seeing that its not clean enough n the laundry is not done right and if that dosnt work hell tell him to call his mama she did it before you she can do it after you your not a slave or the maid …Like Flo use to say if your about my age you should remember "KISS MY GRITTS"and thats how I end things when i'm highly upset with things here
Well I hope you find the strength and power with in yourself to do what needs to be done good luck …

cavie2
cavie2 2012-01-26 02:37:44 -0600 Report

Gosh you sound like me when I'm talking about negative people they are just like the Dementors in the Harry Potter books. They drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air very much like your son in law. LOL

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-28 11:49:20 -0500 Report

Yes I do remember"kiss my grits" haha thank you! I loved your post! You made me feel a lot better! :)

Gabby
GabbyPA 2011-08-28 08:29:42 -0500 Report

Negative people are rough. Kill them with kindness and let them know that you don't care to hear that kind of talk and they are more than welcome to think it,, but keep it to themselves. I know that is not easy, but with some practice, it can work.

I used to be very sarcastic. I had a friend of mine tell me how much it hurt people, while all the time I just thought I was being funny. So I asked her to help me change that. Every time I would start, she would make me aware. Boy was that an eye opener. Once I learned how to detect my sarcasm before it got anywhere, I could stop it. It took several months and some frustrating times, but I have learned how to stop it pretty well. In fact, once I really found out how much it hurts people I really wanted to stop. It still pops up, and I am not perfect in it. But I sure am more aware and that makes it easier to deal with.

All that is said to let you know that maybe your negative person doesn't even realize that they are being that way. It is just how they have always been and since you don't confront it. You cannot change them, but make them aware. If they won't change, then I would find a way to separate yourself from that person for their monthly bashing. Maybe they would stop when you are not there to receive it?

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-28 11:57:59 -0500 Report

Thank you Gabby! Problem is I'm afraid to confort him. I think this comes from childhood fears. I'm not sure but that is my biggest fault, conforontation. Its so difficult. Besides its difficult to reason with the unreasonable…I must over come this fear its so hard to try to overcome. I always just get real quiet and "clam up" I know I let people walk on me but that fear keeps comming back into play. I came from a alcoholic father and he was very strict and loud so any time confortation comes up, I just curl up so to speak. I have a difficult time standing up for myself. This is my biggest fault. And yes I've been through years of counceling,this one this is something that I can't seem to overcome. I've made peace and over came all the other "baggage" but this stays with me. Espically if someone is raising their voice at me.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2011-08-29 07:45:13 -0500 Report

I am sorry that you had to go through those things. Standing up for yourself is hard, and most people don't like to confront others, at least in a bold way like that. Is there a friend who can help you with that? I mean, I don't want you to put yourself in harms way. If the confrontation gets physical, that would be time to go.

I understand with the raising of the voice. I grew up in a very civil family and we didn't yell and scream at each other. It was not my parents way, nor mine. I remember the first time I spent the night at a friends house in Jr. High. Her dad was "mean" in my thinking. Yelled all the time. I would never go out of her room without her with me. I really didn't like him at all for that reason.

Confrontation is not my favorite thing to do either. I usually end up crying and looking stupid. But I do feel better after it's out. And it doesn't always go the way I hope, but at least I feel better and know I dealt with something that was bothering me. It is keeping it inside where it grows that makes it so yucky. You might try a little "push" back. Even if he doesn't recognize it, you know you feel a little better and maybe next time you will "push" a little more.

But again, never do this if it is going to mean physical confrontation, then I would just walk away. No one should ever touch you.

Anonymous
Anonymous 2011-08-29 02:53:38 -0500 Report

Whenever I tried to stand up for myself it just made things worse. As hard for me as it was the only thing that worked for me was loving him regardless and doing the best I could to be kind. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like I was but I couldn't change him. I decided that when the kids were grown it was over for him. He never physically abused me but I did suffer mental abuse for many, many years and I don't know if I will ever heal from it.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2011-08-29 07:46:22 -0500 Report

This stuff just breaks my heart. Why people feel they can treat other people that way just confounds me. You did the right thing, and what you can offer in comfort and advice to others will be immeasurable.

Harlen
Harlen 2011-08-27 20:40:26 -0500 Report

Before or after I rip off the heads and poooo down ther neck ????
I stop them with a finger in the air and ask if thy mean it how I was taking it ?
If I was right I would ask that they dont do it again please and if that didnt work
a thump on the head may help but thats just me lol lol lol
Best wishes
Harlen

digitaldoorbell
digitaldoorbell 2011-08-27 17:56:13 -0500 Report

You have to be careful, in my opinion, not to oversimplify matters. Merely saying, "don't put up with it" can invite more of the same behaviors. I think you need to observe what precedes the behaviors. Forgive me, but I don't believe it is merely that the house isn't tidy enough. It's what that means to that person, correctly or otherwise. It is unlikely that randomly once per month someone behaves the way you describe also. I am not casting blame on you and note from your other posts that you really need support and should avoid this kind of stress. When a man uses the "silent treatment", he knows that behavior is hurtful to you. It is clearly very controlling, as are the other behaviors that you describe.

Step back, take a look and look at the motivations preceding the behavior (you are not responsible for his motivation or behavior). If you look at domestic violence, there are patterns and they can start very simply. Your feelings matter. They are speaking volumes to you. Step back and watch and listen. It will be interesting to hear how things are going for you when you are ready or willing to post again.

All the best to you

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-28 12:17:06 -0500 Report

Hi. I'm being completely HONEST when I'm saying it is about the house not being tidy enough. Or it is about something I did not do correctly. I have a question for you, do you consider it domestic violence even if I've never been hit? Its always just words? Never have I had a hand laid upon me by him? I'm wondering because I don't know? Please answer this post. I have stepped back and tried to acess the situation and its as if once a month he changes into a completely different person. It is the strangest thing. I never know when its going to happen but it usually lasts about a week. Then he turns back into the person I fell in love with. Is that bi polar? I've looked up many things but can't seem to find out

Wound Lady
Wound Lady 2012-05-03 13:56:07 -0500 Report

Do you talk about his work with him. Sometimes men are having troubles at work with co-workers and take it out on the one he loves. People who don't like their job but have to work to support their family sometimes feel trapped. Do you work outside the home? He may be verbal abusing you to relief his stresses. Is it around bill paying time? Stop and look at everything around the time it happens. Men who bitch about house clean,laundry you can bet he has been bitched at work. Hope this will give you things to think about andhope it helps you.

cavie2
cavie2 2012-01-26 02:54:56 -0600 Report

there is physical abuse and verbal abuse, you are suffering from verbal (and mental) abuse. My brother was exactly the same from the age of 10 up until last year at the age of 62 my brother has done nothing but nit pick, fault find and criticise anything and everything about my life and home. I cracked in January last year and told him I no longer wanted him visiting me or my home if we didn't meet with his approval them he was no longer welcome and my door would be shut to him in future. This is a sad state of affairs that I had to do this but I put up with his verbal abuse for 52 years . I am now free and very happy.

Caroltoo
Caroltoo 2012-01-26 07:47:54 -0600 Report

Some times it takes a long time to make a decision that big … and we all hold on to the hope, unreal though it sometimes is, that our loved ones will change/grow/becomes less hurtful. I'm glad you are safe and happy now, Cavie.

cavie2
cavie2 2012-01-26 22:20:32 -0600 Report

It robs you of your self esteem, and confidence and you begin to believe what the other person says. It takes a long time to build that back up again and in some cases it never happens.

jigsaw
jigsaw 2012-01-26 06:48:33 -0600 Report

Good for you! You do not deserve to be abused under any circumstances. It hurts to push a family member away, but sometimes it is the only way. I have had similar experiences, and took a similar approach.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2011-08-28 14:28:16 -0500 Report

bipolar may definitely be a possibility Lynette

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-29 16:39:12 -0500 Report

Yes I've often thought of that. I don't know much about bipolar but I'll tell you he can change into an entirely different person! What was fine a day ago might be suddenly a terriably big ordeal. It seems to happen once a moth and it lasts for about a week. I can hardly explain it. He literally turns to a different person, then turns back again after? If it is bipolar it could be a mild case? Perhaps? This would explain the once a month blow outs? And the strange thing is something that did not matter yesterday will be a enourmous problem today, if you know what I mean. And the entire personality changes.I've never expirenced anything like it. Its so strange. It usually starts with the yelling and putting down then ends with the silent treatment for about four days. And its like the same thing all the time when it happens. Explosive then silent ,ect ect. The whole peocess lasts about a week. Then back to normal the next three weeks. What do you think?

grandmaducky
grandmaducky 2011-08-27 12:59:05 -0500 Report

okay imo it is your choice to put up with it. when he start this realize its his problem not your (if things are not done to his liking then he can do them his self if he choose too) but i am guessing something is just pressing in on him and he takes it out on you because he knows you wont leave so he just nags you because he can i just tell my hubby that he can do what he want this is what i am doing if it is good enough he can do it or go talk to who is giving him trouble but of course he not going to yell at them he feels safe telling me stuff yelling but i just dont take it on my self now and i tell him he needs to change his attuide if you try this he will pout the frist few time but he well start to change his attuide just hang in there an dont take it personely the silent treat is a nice change for you you can look at it like that at least he stop naggin hope this gives you some thing to think about

realsis77
realsis77 2011-08-27 13:12:40 -0500 Report

Thank you soo much. Yes, its difficult to be nagged at all the time! I will try not to take it so personally.I get very afriad to stand up for my self (this is from childhood I suppose) but I just "take it" I'm the one who will need to actually speak up. I don't know why I'm so afraid.

grandmaducky
grandmaducky 2011-08-27 13:16:59 -0500 Report

good luck i know it is hard but your the one who needs to change first remember you count too i tend to put my self last too but we need to find our voices and it does help :)