Having kids...

By Hood0726 Latest Reply 2011-08-25 16:52:39 -0500
Started 2011-08-22 00:01:30 -0500

My husband and I are in our mid to late 20's. I have wanted to kids for a long time now but have been very patient with him. I do know that he doesn't want kids. Sometimes I feel that is never going to happen for me. I feel like we are going to miss our chance. We have been married for 2 years and together for nearly 6 years. He does have Type 1 Diabetes and was diagnosed a few months before he turned 16 years old. A month or so ago he was admitted into the hospital for ganegreen and cellilitus in his toe. The doctors worked with him but decided it was best to amputate the toe and luckily it didn't spread! He is starting to get released from the meds and any other restrictions he had. Well we have been working hard at eating better and for me to get in better shape. My husband is a very slim man and doesn't fit with any problems with being overweight. I on the other hand am overweight but working hard to get it lost. Well recently I have been thinking more and more about when we will get the chance to have kids. I confronted my husband about it and asked him. He said how are we going to have kids…we can't even take care of ourselves. I had a big problem with that because I know I can take care of myself! I am guessing this is just his insecurities coming out? Am I being selfish about this? I'm not saying NOW…just how long until then. Please help me. This might sounds silly but I really want a family. Part of me is worried that I will never get that chance with him. Any knowledge, support, or help is welcome. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. Thanx

8 replies

margokittycat 2011-08-25 16:52:39 -0500 Report

I must say I completely understand were you are at, but I have to agree with everyone else that has commented and especially with jayabee52 "COUNSELING" if he doesn't want to go then go by yourself and talk to the couselor and get thier advise and use it, he then my start going with you and discussing what his concerns are about having children. Sometimes type 1 diabetic males worrie because they are the carrier of the gene for diabetes and they worry about passing it on to thier children because they don't want thier children to go through everything they have. I myself have two children but had technically three misscarriages being a type 1 diabetic. I was pregnant with twins at 22 and lost them 8 weeks into the pregnancy. My next miscarriage was further into the pregnancy 4 months. I know it is hard wanting children, but you both have to agree on when the time is rite and go from there. I wish you all the best and remember god watches over all and does things when it it rite for all involved. GOD'S BLESSINGS ON YOU BOTH AND GOOD LUCK.

AuntieM234 2011-08-22 19:23:48 -0500 Report

I agree with what James advised and some of what everyone else said. I wholeheartedly endorse counseling. You need to examine yourself to understand whether it is really a baby that you want. Sometimes one thinks they want a baby, then after having the baby, they still have the sense that something is missing. I don't believe there are any circumstances under which it would be okay to either pressure someone into having a child or secretly getting pregnant by someone who has already expressed their feelings against having children. Did you discuss the possibility of having children prior to getting married? If so, and if he told you no, he didn't want children, then that should have been your signal that he wasn't the man for you. If you didn't know about his reluctance to have children, clarifying his position on the subject is very important. If he really doesn't and you really do, then you will need to decide whether you are willing to give up your hopes for children. If not, you may determine you don't want to stay married to him. IMO its something you have to work through, with or without his cooperation. ;-) Mara

CharHardman 2011-08-22 18:14:54 -0500 Report

Your husband could be worried about finances. Medical bills, monthly expenses, and the media giving details on how much it costs to raise a child can scare people. I, to, have 5 children, and recently became unemployed. When I found out I was diabetic, I thought "oh great, now I have to watch EVERYTHING I do so I don't get hurt. No more wrestling with my boys or sports." I was wrong. Your hubby might still be "scared", if you will, because of the surgery he recently had. Most men won't admit if they are scared or nervous about pain, feelings, etc. My father used to say, he was going to work as long as his hands still moved. He was forced into early retirement at 58 & we could tell he was depressed or mad. My mom took a vacation & I moved in for a little while to help him through it. I found out my youngest "surprise" was due in December 2002; no job, the father wasn't ready, and I felt alone. My daddy was scared for me, but they helped me with all that I needed. Give it time, don't force the subject, and maybe take him around other couples with kids and watch his reaction. This will help you with the right time to bring it up w/o making him upset. :)

Cookie Roma
Cookie Roma 2011-08-22 17:37:33 -0500 Report

Having kids is a huge deal. I'm a mother of 5 myself (oldest 35, youngest 16). No one should have children unless they are sure they want them. And no one should try to force the issue upon anyone else.
Years ago I had a friend that lived with her boyfriend from shortly after getting out of school. They had always said that they were going to get married and have kids but neither one was in a rush. By six years later she was getting a little upset. He kept saying they would get marry soon. After 2 years she finally had enough. You see, she finally realized getting married and having kids was not a priority ir even a desire if his. It was very important to her so sheckefy him. Three years later she was married and expecting a baby. They seem genuinely happy. They both wanted the same thing.

realsis77 2011-08-23 11:16:51 -0500 Report

I agree with you! YOU BOTh MUST WANt the SAME THING! Not one but BOTH! If the issue is FORCED on the other person it will bring nothing but UNHAPPINESS, and RESENTMENT!

realsis77 2011-08-22 10:23:36 -0500 Report

Hi. Please don't have the child unless you BOTH agree this is what you want! If you do, this will lead to resentment, and anger, and possiably distrust. This has happened to me and I know! Trust me if your husband says he is NOT ready then he is NOT ready. If you go ahead and have a child this could even end your marriage. I have been through this myself! I am being completely and toatlly honest with you right now. You MUST wait until he is also ready or you will have a lifetime of resentment toward you on his part! I know its difficult for you to wait because your ready but please trust me, if he's not ready then DON'T DO IT! A child is a enourmous amount of work and it really will just lead to more resentments if you don't wait for him to be ready! Your young and have PLENTY of time to have a child, WAIT until its right for you BOTH please… and don't pressure him. This again builds resentments… please take my advice here. I've lived this problem and my now ex husband STILL resents me and my daughter is 18 years old! So take this advice from someone who knows, WAIT until he's ready. Ok ? I wish you the very best in life and remember there is no "rush" this is a HUGE step and it must be taken when the time is right for you BOTH! So stop pressuring him and you will see. Soon the time will be right :) just don't do it UNTIL he is also ready! No one wants to be pressured into doing something they are NOT ready for. You must respect his opnion and his feelings in this issue too. If he is pressured to to this it will only lead to heart ache! So go ahead and enjoy each other and WAIT until the time is right for the BOTH of you!

jayabee52 2011-08-22 01:46:37 -0500 Report

I think this might be a good issue to take to a marital counselor. And if he is resistant to go, just go by yourself so you can deal with the issue on your own. Sometimes just getting clarity on your situation and feelings can change the dynamic in your relationship.

I have found personal counseling, and marital counseling very helpful to me.

I am not sure if "confronting" is the best way to handle it. It depends on how that confrontation was handled. Perhaps you could have your counselor teach you about "I messages". Both my (now ex) wife and I learned about how to use I messages and she used them on me quite successfully. I messages are not a trick or way of manipulating the other, but are a way of clearly expressing to the other in your life your feelings without assigning blame or being hostile, which leads to fights.

I pray you get help for your marriage and you become unified on this issue.

Blessings to you and yours

James Baker

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