Gwen Morten
By Gwen Morten Latest Reply 2011-08-16 22:15:48 -0500
Started 2011-08-05 11:04:19 -0500

hi to all my dc fam. I've been going thru a situation for about 15 years and I would really like some feed back from you all on this.
some years back I was in a abusive marriage. my husband (my ex husband) was pysically(not enough for the hospital visit), verbally,mentally and emotionally abusive. he tried to keep me isolated by spreading rumors and lies about me in our neighborhoods and on my job and all these people were directed to tell everybody they know, and on and on to keep it going! I only knew about this because I would hear EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE in our small city of gainesville,fl snickering and mumbling about me! some people even started yelling nasty comments my way! others decided to go online to spread this madness! every single time I have tried to talk with people (family, friends, etc.) they always act like they dont know anything about it or i'm just hearing things! some of it is because it is rumored that something really bad will happen to me if they talk to me (not true and a clear abusive technique!) and some is because some of them mumble at me too.
now all these years later, 3 teenage kids, a boyfriend of almost 4 yrs and even moved to alt, ga some of this mess is still going on! I've tried to talk about this with my boyfriend but he maintains that its my imagination and by the way he mumbles stuff out all day plus in the bed at nite (suppositly he talks in his sleep). he deny his talking under his breath but one of these days i'm gonna record his a** with my new phone! what should I do dc family? I know the stress from this currently going on in my home is contributing to some of my recent health problems like frequent headaches, upset stomach, heavyness in my limbs as well as some aches in my upper chest and shoulder area. it also doesn't help that I work 7 days a wk! sleep is almost non existant!!

45 replies

VickieF 2011-08-14 01:34:56 -0500 Report

Hi Gwen, You are a very Brave strong woman to go through all of that and still have the determination not to go through it again. My first husband beat the hell out of me and the kids. I got it a lot for stepping between him and my girls. His favorite place to hit me was in the head with his fists. No one could see the big lumps. He made it so my family did not come around very often and I lost most of my friends. He said I was such a bitch no one wanted to be around me. After he left me, for my best friend, he told my oldest daughter that. She looked at him and said "That's funny Dad, Cause since you left Mom has lots of friends. They come over for coffee and want to make sure we have what we need and take her where she needs to go." The first Christmas after the Divorce I wrot His new wife a Thank You card for taking him and getting me and my kids out of that situation. :). My second husband was lazy and played mental games too and acted like a 40 year old kid. He left me for my sisters best friend. LOL I told him I wanted a divorce by Christmas that year (this was in July) and that she got him and I had a no return, no refund policy, so she had to keep him. The divorce was final December 5th. lol
I finally decided to start dating again about 4 years later. I didn't want or expect anything
serious. I got on a local internet dating site just to see if maybe I could just find a couple of guys to go out with once in awhile. I seen an introduction that made me laugh. I answered it and got to talking to this guy. He had such a wonderful sence of humor, making me laugh quite often. We talked for a couple of months before we met. I took a very dear friend and my little granddaughter with me on our first date. We made a picnick lunch and went to a beautiful park down by where he lived (He paid for my gas to do the hour drive there). That was almost three years ago. I have never been treated with such love and respect in all my life as I have been on a daily basis for the last almost three years. My point is that the good one are still out there. You just have to be patient and just don't give up on yourself. Don't let the bad get you. If it ain't right let it go and take care of you. You my dear are worth taking care of. Like yourself and hold on to you.
Did you know that a smile is a great stress reliever and a laugh is even better. When you don't feel like doing either Stop and put that smile on your face. Laugh even when you don't feel like it, just do it. I promise you will find you feel just a little bit better each time.
If anyone asks what is so funny just tell them you are doining your destressing exersizes and smile at them.

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-16 19:33:36 -0500 Report

LOL! I'm happy to hear that you found your mr right! I am definitely keeping my eyes open for that one for me and I'm in the process of making some much needed changes in my life!

VickieF 2011-08-16 22:15:48 -0500 Report

Well, you go girl! I wish you the very best. Mr. Right is out there for you. You will find him when you least expect to.

camerashy 2011-08-10 19:05:02 -0500 Report

Gwen, if you're still tracking this - my ex injured me badly enough to need medical attention and refused to let me get help. (dislocated my right shoulder) He did all of the same things to me (he tried) but everyone liked me and it didn't work. I was afraid that I couldn't support myself, then after a year in therapy (still married at this point) I realized that some of the guys at work had families and weren't making much more than I was, "I can do it"! I left - well, I had him arrested, and I left. I cried a lot. I was scared a lot. I went to victim's counseling (I'm sure Atlanta has one) and learned that another woman had done the same thing I'd done - snuck stuff out of the house a little at a time - and she was 20 years older than I was! Got me a boyfriend and after a year he started treating me the same way, and I threw HIM out. I stayed alone for 7 years before I met my Don. He's a keeper. They really are out there. But you have to wait for them. Be PICKY! You can do it!

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-11 09:03:35 -0500 Report

thanks camerashy! I am so glad that u got out of those relationships and into one thats loving and healthy! thats what I hope and pray for in my life. thanks for your comment.

cindygal1 2011-08-10 22:18:51 -0500 Report

The only thing that you should be worried about right is learning to take car of your disbetes. It is hard at first, but anyone can do it.

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-11 09:34:39 -0500 Report

hi cindygal1! you' re rite my health should my top priority but with all the stress in my life it sometimes falls to the way side. like this morning it was no need to check my bs because I ate pizza and had a martini for dinner last nite so I knew I was high.

cindygal1 2011-08-11 10:24:39 -0500 Report

Want to talk about stress, I have a husbasnd that wa given 18 month to live an that was five years ago, and now he is a diabetic, like I am . I wa iin thehospital for three weeks last May and June with an ulcer and he lost me almost four tims. So there iis no reaon to play guessing games with your sugar it can go into many thing or you will fine yourelf on inulin for the ret of your life or in a wheel or you kidney can fail, so I woul leave the martin along and get onto the path of eating riight, Think about it, bfore you do it again. I would still like to be your fiend write whenn you. My God Bless you.

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-11 23:51:24 -0500 Report

Thanks cindygal1! and thank for being a friend already! things would not be good at all if i had to depend on someone who dont love me in a time when i should be able to like being in the hospital. Ive been toying with the idea of walking 30min aday plus trying to lose 80lbs at 2lbs awk. that being said… exercise is like a dirty word! LOL! i know i can do it though!

margokittycat 2011-08-08 22:26:04 -0500 Report

Hi Gwen! I have been there to. My kid's dad was the same way, he never held job long enough and party all night with his friends. I called the sherriff on him a few times and then on my sons second birthday I had a really severreaction early in the morning and he was trying to get me to todrink MT. Dew and I spit it out apparently, we don't know what we do when we are in that state, but it gae him the right to beat the crap out of me , dis locate my eye socket and a full hand print across the face. When I came to that morning and got out of bed and seen that, he claimed I tried getting out of bed and fell into the door handle. Ya Right. He was virbaly, physically and emotionally abusive. It took me twelve years to even think about dating and when I did I thought I found my soul mate and it took him 5 years to propose and we married. My son has Aspbergers a form of Autism and he (my now second ex husband start being abuseive to me and my children. We worked for his faher and lived in a house provided to us and I came home one day and could not get in the house I called a friend who had a friend that lived close by, he opened his home to my children and I and not quite two years after me met he proposed. He knew all about the rumors the holding us hostage and no friends allowed and I found it freeing that he never gave me any reason not to go somewhere or do something. He took us out all the time and we have all kinds of friends now. My family Mother blaimed me for the first two marriages and what happened even though all i did was work and go to school and take care of my kids. If you boyfriend does not believe you or is saying some of the things he is saying you need to get out. I learned the hard way he will use that against you say your imagining it or your crazy and just make you feel like you are loosing your mind. You don't need it and your Diabetes does not need it the stress will tear your blood sugars to shreds. If he cn't stand behind you and support you you can do better trust me don't make the same mistakes I did you are more valuable than a relationship that is one sided. You will know when you find the right man because you will be able to tell him everything from your past and he will stand beside you and support you and stand up for you and even encourage you.

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-09 16:45:42 -0500 Report

Thanks margokittycat! I'm so glad to know that its not only me that's gone through this kind of abuse and that there is life after! i appreciate your comment!

margokittycat 2011-08-09 17:28:39 -0500 Report

You are so welcome. I wanted to let you know it may not happen as quick as you would like but it will happen. Look it took me 12 years to date and then I still ended up with another abuser. But then god gave me my husband now and it is so nice to have someone who does not doubt you, make you feel like your going crazy and supports you no matter what and loves your children.

cottoncandybaby 2011-08-07 22:12:28 -0500 Report

Hooray for you Gwen! What courage you have had to put up with all that abuse and stress, plus working all week. I was divorced after 28 yrs. of marriage, although we had many good years, and 3 kids together, he ended up a cheater, with his "assistant", whom he eventually married, then divorced her just 2 yrs later…So I was a single parent, too, for quite a few years, til I met someone wonderful on-line, who gives me total respect, has never had a negative thing to say to or about me, and is appreciative of everything I do, as he had been in a miserable marriage also, for 22 yrs. However, if I were in your shoes, and my boyfriend was mumbling in his sleep, and belittling what other people are saying about me, because of my ex starting false rumors, than I would throw all his clothes onto the curb, point to the door and say "Goodbye"! You deserve someone who loves and supports you the way you are, and if he hears anything negative about you, he should surely stand up to that person and tell them they are wrong and not to believe anything they hear, and if they met you then they can make up their own mind about whatever rumors and negativity they have heard. Also, remember that actions speak louder than words. The next time someone says something nasty in any way, just bake (or buy) some cookies or a cake and take it to them, that will catch them off-guard and let them see in person, what a good and generous person you are. It will diffuse any rumors from continuing from that person, once you have offered a "gift" to them. Somehow, offering food to someone usually disarms them and allows them to see you from their own eyes and not from someone else's. PS My son went to Univ. of FL in Gainesville several yrs ago and loved it there!! GO GATORS!!! And YOU GO TOO, GIRLl!!! Now smile and lower that blood pressure!! And if you can, cut back on such a heavy workload, you need some time for yourself!

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-08 12:05:16 -0500 Report

thanks cottoncandybaby! I was about to think that I was the only person who thought he should not have buckled under the pressure, he should have stood up for me! that just seems like its too much to ask even from someone who tells me he loves me more than once a day everyday! and he shouldve felt free to talk with me about any concerns he have! I love ur comment! and GO GATORS! LOL!

cottoncandybaby 2011-08-09 21:35:25 -0500 Report

You're welcome Gwen. You are right, he should have stood up for you, that is what love and loyalty are all about. It is better to be on your own, and love yourself, than to be with someone who says they love you, but do not show their support. You have every right to be respected and loved for who you are! Actions speak louder than words, so now you know where you stand. You will be fine, I have no doubt about it. Go eat some low-sugar ice cream, put your feet up in front of the TV, and enjoy yourself!!

Nonna2Three 2011-08-07 15:52:07 -0500 Report

It is hard to counsel you on this because every situation is different. In my case I had better outcome after my first marriage. My ex-husband was also was physically (not enough for a hospital visit), verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. I left him more than once but because of my young age, having a small child (my son) and having NO job I would end up back with him. I finally reached my limit with him and his abuse when my second child (my daughter) was born and his girlfriend came to the hospital to see the baby. She showed up under the guise of bringing flowers from his work (yes, they worked together). Well, that really burned me up because the florist could have delivered them. Back in those days florists did not tack on a delivery fee - they delivered just because you bought flowers from them. She did NOT have to bring them, but it was their way of rubbing it in my face. But, like I said, that was my limit. Before I was discharged from the hospital I had decided I was getting out of the marriage one way or another and never would I ever let any man treat me like I was worth so little.

When my baby was 6 weeks old I got out and pounded the streets looking for a job. I had to look hard because I needed a day job since day care was only available during day shifts and I had no immediate family close enough to count on for baby-sitting or any other assistance. But I did persist and found a decent job, got my kids in daycare and got me an apartment. Of course this took a few months of being employed before I could execute the final step of my plan - the apartment - during that time I had to continue to live with him or me and both my babies would be sleeping on the street. But I figured I had put up with his crap for a little over three years already, what was a few more months? In the end it took a total of 13 months to find my job, buy a car and slip enough of my paycheck aside to allow for a deposit, the first and last months rent. But I did and I left him.

It was not easy, not then and not for months after I first left, but the good Lord looks out for us. I put in my part and God handled the rest. This is where the counsel gets hard to offer because in my case I met my current husband within months and we have been together for over 32 years now. He is and has always been a good man. He has NEVER treated me with the disrespect my ex did. Neither has he ever lifted a finger against me, or my kids for that matter. His parents have always been nothing but wonderful to me and both my kids. So, that said, all I can offer is: look at your situation and if you find it unbearable then only you can truly change it - even if the changing is hard for a while. If I had given up in the first few months I was on my own with two small kids then I would have ended up back in the bad marriage and my entire future would have been different. And I find it hard to imagine it could have turned out as well as it has. That future would still have resulted in a final end to that marriage, but at what additional cost to my well being?

I know I reached the breaking point at the "right time" in life for me to break free. This may be your "right time"! If you have reached that point then you have to make the right choice, even when it is a hard choice, and stick to your guns. Stand firm on your resolve to NOT be treated badly my any man ever again. It won't be easy at first, but with time it becomes who you are.

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-07 18:05:12 -0500 Report

wow!! your story hits close to home and brings tears to my eyes. I can think back and remember going thru the motions to get enough strengh to leave my husband for the sake of my 3 daughters. after all that I really cant believe i'm in something remotly similar! thanks for your story! I kind of thought I would meet my real hubby like you did after all that! maybe next time.

jayabee52 2011-08-09 22:07:17 -0500 Report

Don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I know some fellas who would make wonderful husbands to you. Who would never raise a hand in anger or say abusive things to you.

I was like that with the mother of my children and we were married 25 yrs. She would say or do things that I am sure she intended to provoke me, but I just couldn't do something like that to her. I had thought of punching the wall next to her, just to scare her, but couldn't since that would have turned her off to me, and I didn't want that. I think she wanted me to do something so she could blame me for the divorce. After the divorce was over and I got greater clarity of mind, I began to see just how she mistreated me emotionally. She also hit me a time or two, but it didn't hurt so I let it roll off and I didn't say anything about it to her or anyone.

My reward for that was Jem. She truly was a fantastic lady. And Nonna below is right, Jem just came when I was not looking. (So it happens to guys too). Even though she passed away months after our marriage, she was the love of my life about whom I dreamed without knowing it.

I also know another fella fairly well who is in my apartment building and is single, who I think would make a good woman very happy.

I keep my mind open and am in readiness for the new love for the rest of my life, should she show up. I pray that he shows up for you soon, Gwen


Nonna2Three 2011-08-07 18:26:29 -0500 Report

I think the secret is to not look for him and he just appears. In fact, when my present husband asked me to marry him after we had been dating for only a couple of months I was very hesitant. I responded by saying "I don't know that i like the idea of marriage anymore. I hardly out of the bad marriage I was just in." All he said was that he understood. That night I thought about it a lot and realized he was so very different from my ex and the next day when I saw him I told him that if the offer was still open then yes, I would marry him. Thank goodness the offer was still open!

But I was prepared to live single for however long it might take for the right guy to come along. And I was definitely not looking for any relationship when I met my husband.

It's kinda like people who try and try to have a baby and have no luck time & time again. then they finally decide it just isn't meant to be and stop making the effort and next thing they know they are pregnant.

Just go on to making a life with you and your kids and the primary focus and let fate, nature, God, whatever you want to call it take care of putting the right hubby in your life.

AuntieM234 2011-08-06 23:00:12 -0500 Report

Gwen, dear, I'm so sorry you've had to go through such abuse. You may want to kick the current bf to the curb. From what you've said, he may very well be guilty of psychological abuse. IMO, you should focus on Gwen right now and disassociate yourself from anyone who brings you down. Concentrate on getting your self esteem built back up. You need to do this for yourself, so you can provide what your children need from you down the road. I will say prayers for you and your family! Sending love your way! ;-) Mara

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-07 14:58:38 -0500 Report

thanks for the love,i need all the love I can get! :) I have considered splitting up with my bf. I thought if we could just talk about things maybe we could work things out. I remember that I told myself the same thing when I was married and I suffered with depression for years and had a eating disorder. I can remember binging on junk food to keep myself at a heavy 245 pds as this was my suit of armour.i will not let myself get to that point again!

realsis77 2011-08-06 19:00:50 -0500 Report

I understand what you have gone through,bless your heart I've been through this myself! Is it at all possiable to move to a new area? Start fresh? That sounds like a good soulition to me! I had to start over also. But if you can't move just hold your head high and look at those people who are saying things as they are crazy! Doing well is the best revenge! Always walk proud! Don't let them drag you down! Remember you are a good strong person and you don't deserve this kind of treatment! Eventually people will see that the rummors are wrong! They will come around! If they don't stay strong! Trust the Lord, God will see you through! Give this to God he will give you strength!

diabetes control
diabetes control 2011-08-06 09:12:46 -0500 Report

some people make good music, but that is itl Read Jennifer Lopez comments on Mark!!! Something like if it is not right for me, then I am gone!

RAYT721 2011-08-05 17:38:49 -0500 Report

I understand the physical effects from the stress. Deep breath. Exhale. I don't give a darn what the ex had to say about you, I certainly give you credit for getting out of that situation. I'd think you are a pretty together person for taking your life back and rising above the abuse. You DO realize that you're pretty courageous, don't you?

So many woman (oh, and men too) get so used to the abuse that they feel they are unworthy from listening all of the constant badgering and such. Nope, there's nothing wrong with YOU. You are a pretty "normal" person; however…

With that said, I would encourage you to seek counseling to help with the possible self-esteem issues and perhaps to chat with a professional about sleep or nerve medications to help relax you a little. You may wish to consider individual counseling or group counseling to discuss the fears, feelings and frustrations you have had and are having which may be keeping you for being all that you CAN be.

I know it's easy for me to tell you to look to the future instead of the past but only you can actually set your sights on tomorrow. We are here for you, maybe not with answers, but with true friendship and acceptance of who you are rather than what we've heard.

I agree with Jim; however, hold your head high. I once had my Mom say "what will the neighbors think" (about something I wanted to do) and I replied, "I don't know … are they capable of it?"

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-05 20:57:09 -0500 Report

thanks for being a true friend! I agree counseling may b what I need at this stage in my life or it couldn't hurt. thanks again for great advice!

Deaconess Jane
Deaconess Jane 2011-08-08 20:32:38 -0500 Report

Gwen, if you can't get into a counselor, do you have a church you belong to? If so, the pastor might be able to help you talk out some of the issues you're dealing with. Abuse is such an awful thing and can affect the rest of your life emotionally and spiritually. If you decide to pursue counseling, check to see if your counselor provides a sliding scale for fees. My son has been in counseling for over a year and we were able to find one that charges a low enough fee for us to afford it.
Will keep you in prayer as you work on healing and recovering from all the garbage you've had to deal with. My heart goes out to you. I applaud your courage.

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-10 08:21:46 -0500 Report

talking to the church paster its a good idea but I dont have a church home right now plus I work on sundays. I am definitely going to check on a counselor with sliding scale rates. thanks alot!!

jayabee52 2011-08-10 18:39:10 -0500 Report

Some churches have worship services on Saturday evenings, check your yellow pages for those. And once establlished you can ask pastor for an appointment.

You don't even HAVE to be a member to call the pastor and set up an appointment for counseling. I know that's the way it is where I attend. In fact non-members just drop in anytime during office hours and unburden themselves or ask for help. Pastors often know good counselors in the community and could be a good resource for names of good counselors too.

Auburn Bill
Auburn Bill 2011-08-10 18:57:20 -0500 Report

I experienced christian counseling at a church. No need to feel ashamed. for being human we all need to have someone we can trust on this Earth! You have to believe that Christ is there at your side helping you thru the tough days of life! Grandpa Bill

jayabee52 2011-08-08 21:48:04 -0500 Report

Some folks think that it is shameful for them to see a counselor because they think it means that they are weak. It is however one of the strongest and most courageous things one can do for themselves. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face one's own self and deal with whatever is there. And even though it might seem like others are causing the problems for you, you still have to learn how to handle yourself around them so the situation does not escalate.

Kudos for your decision!

RAYT721 2011-08-05 21:12:56 -0500 Report

Check out the "social service agencies" section of your local yellow pages or get a hold of the United Way Agencies for local counseling (often free or very low cost) agencies in your area. The counselors won't find you so you'll have to find them!

Jim Edwards
Jim Edwards 2011-08-05 13:23:46 -0500 Report

Hi Gwen, On a much smaller scale and not of a personal nature, I have been fighting the same thing. I am PRESIDENT (whoopee!) of our sub-division, which means I am the one that handles any and all complaints about the roads. I have one guy that has been there forever and has usually done what he wants, when he wants. He has "taken care of" the roads for the past 5 years which means he plows them and fills in the holes. Since I became president in May he has done his best to get other people riled up against me. I have been removing or having removed any dead, dying, small (potentially large) trees, plus any hanging over the road. Also, I have been widening the roads (we have a 25' right of way) to allow cars coming in opposite directions to pass each other. He has made it a point to tell people how I am going to remove all the trees on both sides of the road and widen the road to 50'. Now, understand, this is a mountain area and I bought here because I love the trees! So, there I am with chain saw running and people coming up to me already hot and ready to have my head. I turn off my chain saw, introduce myself and ask them what they have heard. they tell me and I invite them to look at the road I am working on and to go and look in front of my house. The guy that complains is usually drunk even at 7AM and I no longer use him for road work.
I tell them that in front of my house is done, so they know what the final product will look like. They then know that they have been lied to and that I am a good guy. I also invite them to help, since I do not get paid for the "position" or for the work I do.
So this all comes down to: 1) hold your head high 2) have your actions speak for you. You are right that this stress can cause all your other operations to go awol on you, plus it will mess with your blood sugar. For sleep, you may want to try some Melatonin, available at Walmart. I take mine an hour before I intend to lay down. If the sleeplessness continues, you may want to see your doctor. I went through a rough divorce years ago and was prescribed an anti-anxiety medicine, took it for about a month and everything leveled out. Hopes this helps, Jim

Gwen Morten
Gwen Morten 2011-08-05 14:44:07 -0500 Report

wow how do I delete all these extra posts! lol!

jayabee52 2011-08-07 00:32:22 -0500 Report

What I have done when my computer "stutters" is change the 2nd one. Sometimes I hit "edit" I apologize for stuttering, or post a smiley face instead, or write something funny or simply post a period and click post my edit (or whatever it says) I have had "hiccupps" many times over the years. So it is no biggie!

RAYT721 2011-08-05 17:18:55 -0500 Report

don't worry about the duplicates. I'll tell ya it's happened to all of us at least a time or two (or three in my case). We understand.

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