I Make Myself a Priority, DO YOU?

By MewElla Latest Reply 2011-04-30 13:35:05 -0500
Started 2011-04-06 08:16:20 -0500

My biggest obstacle was that I used food inappropriately. Anxious, Let's eat, Sad, Let's Eat, Bored, Let's Eat. You get the idea. And, of course, it did not solve any of my problems- I just gained weight and felt worse.
What I learned was that real changes take perseverance. It's about continuing to push ahead when life happens and all our planning goes out of the window. It's getting back on track immediately- not tomorrow or next week- after eating too much food during the day.
My best advice: Make yourself a priority. I found that not addressing my needs led to stress eating and weight gain. Today, exercise is an appointment that I always keep. I don't always want to do it because I know it's a step toward a long and healthy life.

14 replies

thatjamies 2011-04-07 11:29:59 -0500 Report

I understand the eating when ever anything happens. I went to my PCP and she told me I needed to goto counseling to find out why I do that. She also told me that I needed to lose weight, like that was the first time I have heard that. lol. Anyway, I am trying to make myself a priority but I have not worked in 12 years and am having trouble finding a job since my divorce. I had started exercising and really enjoyed it. Then I moved out of state and totally quite which made me gain the weight I lost plus some. I have so many problems and it's like they feed of one another. I guess I really don't know how to make myself a priority and need to give up the sugar, which is my biggest battle. I absolutely love Dr. Pepper and am unsure that I can give that up. I was recently diagnosed as borderline diabetic and I still have not changed anything. I have no one to encourage me to do so. So any suggestions on how to motivate me into doing better would be greatly appreciated. I go back to the doctor this month to see if the meds he put me on are working.

jayabee52 2011-04-07 11:55:57 -0500 Report

Howdy Jaimie!

There are all kinds of motivations which could be offered. Both positive and negative. Which would you want?

How long since your divorce? I was unwillingly divorced out of a 25 yr marriage. It took me a while to work through the emotions from that.

When I had worked through my emotions, and had done some work on myself, I met a lady online who was ideal for me. (Actually she found me.) We hit it off and I eventually moved 500+mi to be with and marry her. We believed that God brought us together, it was THAT good! Unfortunately she passed from this life in July 2010. So now I'm working through my emotions again regarding our separation (I believe we will be together again — when I pass from this life).

Do you want to be in another relationship? Take care of yourself! Show potential mates that you feel you are worth your time and effort to care for yourself! If you show you don't care about yourself by not doing the things which need doing for you, how do you expect someone else to value you?

Blessings to you and yours!


thatjamies 2011-04-07 12:34:01 -0500 Report

I have been divorced a little over a year and it was a blessing at the time. About the time all of that was happening, I met someone and fell in love. Before my divorce was final I found myself moving 1600 miles to be with him. I thought I had met my soul mate, but I guess he did not feel the same way. He decided that he liked the single life better, he had been single for 9 years, and decided to end our relationship about a year later. So that was 8 months ago, and I am still in love with him. It probably does not help that I talk to him twice a day. He says it wasn't me but was him, but I still don't know. So to say the least I have been depressed for the last 8 months and can't seem to move on. During that time I found out that I was borderline diabetic. I just can't get myself in the mode of doing what I need to do for my health. I am going to two different schools. I will be finished with my bachelors degree in Accounting in June, but found that I don't really care for it. The other school I am attending is for Ophthalmic assiting. I will be through with that in August and hope to find a descent job. I have two prospects now, but do not know how they will turn out. I think once I have some income, things will get better. But for now, I am disabled because of my bipolar and am trying to get off that because I can't live on what they give me. I am also doing much better with the bipolar because we finally found medicine that controls it. So I am not a typical bipolar patient. I have not worked in 12 years and it's really tough out there right now. It seems like the gas prices will keep rising and wages keep going down! I really don't know how you're suppose to make it these days. Anyways, I probably told you more than you wanted to know. I do want to meet somebody and settle down. But you are right I have to do something about myself before anyone could care for me. I just feel like I need that push!
thanks for writing,

big momma 10
big momma 10 2011-04-30 13:35:05 -0500 Report

Jamie, stop going down that road every day. Let it go, so that you can move on with your life. Take all that time and energy and used it on yourself.You need to know you are going to be fine. Take this time to get to know your health and to take care of you. trust in God, for he cares for you.you seemed like a very smart person, you know what you need to do.

jayabee52 2011-04-07 13:25:13 -0500 Report

Well consider yourself PUSHED, Jaimie!

I seem to remember reading somewhere that you have children but your ex has custody. Or am I thinking of someone else. (I read a lot of profiles & other discussions, so I may be a bit confused — if I am mistaken, please forgive me).

If I AM correct about the children, will your expected change in financial status change your custody arrangements? Do you want your children back?

I'm sorry you moved all that way for nothing! The divorce, even if it was a "blessing" is an emotional event and it can cause depression. Then moving that far away and having the object of your love basicly reject you, I can totally understand your depression.

I myself had been majorly depressed for a number of yrs. And had a low level depression for a few more. I had troubles in a profession I earned a masters degree to enter, I found I didn't have what it took to survive in that profession. So the troubles were a source of depression, and leaving the profession I loved enough to spend 8 yrs after HS to earn, was depressing. And me leaving that profession affected my relationship with my wife. Eventually the stresses in our relatiosnship moved her to divorce me. (after 25 yrs of marriage). That really put me into an emotional tailspin. I had to work out a lot of emotional garbage to get out of the depression. And I had help along the way in the form of trusted counselors.

How this relates to you is you CAN overcome this! Your "boyfriend" basicly used you for his own purposes. People (both men & women) can be such pigs when they use others, and give little to nothing in return.

I do want to tell you what to do here, but don't want to seem like I'm meddling. But IMO it is not healthy for you emotionally to hang on to this man. He has simply used you. Perhaps he never really loved you. I would say, stop talking to him. The longer you continue the emotional relationship by talking to him, the longer it'll take for you to get over him. Will it hurt? I believe it will. But break it off cleanly and completely. Your continuing to hang on to him keeps you from moving forward in your life, and your self-care.

I will email you on the DC system. We can "talk" further there.

Blessings to you and yours!


thatjamies 2011-04-07 14:24:11 -0500 Report

I have a 20 yr. old daughter who lives with her boyfriend and a 7 yr. old son who lives with his grandmother. That is a long story, but I do not plan on getting custody of my son because he seems happy where he's at and do not want to interupt his life. Now if something where to happen to his grandmother of course I would want him back. He does have some issues though that I fear I could not deal with on a day to day basis. I am not a patient person and with him you have to be patient.

Other people have told me I need to stop communicating with the "boyfriend" but I am so scared to do this. He's the first person I talk to in the mornings and the last person I talk to at night. Because of him rejecting me, I have a very low self esteem and wonder if anybody could ever love me for who I am. I think that's part of the problem with making myself a priority. Right now I am so depressed that I frankly don't care what happens. But when I am not depressed, it's different. I did not have much of a social life while I was married and then I moved 1600 miles away and anyone I did talk to I no longer talk to. Being in school is helping because I have met a wonderful person who is as sweet as she can be. I have gotten back in touch with an old college professor which I had an extremely good relationship with. So having people to talk to has really helped.

When I went to my doctor, she said that I needed to goto counseling to find out why I am an emotional eater. I am having issues with my hormones and she has suggested some things for me to try. Before when I had gone to my PCP, he was rude and not helpful at all. I think she is actually telling me stuff that has a high success rate. The only problem is the cost of these things, which hopefully I will be able to afford in a couple of weeks and try them out.

I think the timing of the diagnosis of pre-diabetes was the worse possible because I was already depressed from the break-up. So it has not been encouraging to do anything about it. I did go exercise the other day, but am not consistent with it. I keep praying that I will get a job and think that would boost my self esteem a little if not a lot. The few people that are around me are great people and they keep telling me that he was not worth it. I really am not sure what I'm afraid of by not talking to him, but I am. That has been a routine for about a year and a half. I guess I just need to concentrate on finishing school and quit letting him bring me down. I had written him an email that expressed how I felt and it did not even phase him. It has made it to where I don't know if I can be that trusting again. The last time I was broken up with, it took me two years to get back on my feet and I was not even talking to him!

So I guess, when I have the money I will see about counseling, and maybe that will help explain all this too me, because I am really confused. And I really need to kick this diabetes thing in the ass. I know I can do it, it's just getting past the point I am at.

I really appreciate you talking to me and hope that I have not talked your ear off,

jayabee52 2011-04-07 15:53:49 -0500 Report

You can tell by my replies I like to talk a lot too. If I help I am happy.

Perhaps your Dx of Diabetes ("DM" —- being a little bit diabetic is kinda like being a little bit pregnant IMO.) is BECAUSE of your depression. Our emotions are affected by our DM and also the other way round. It can become a vicious feedback loop.

If the email you sent you doesn't even faze him, I'm sorry to have to say this, but
HE DOESN'T CARE FOR YOU! Doesn't care if you live or die. It is often thought that the opposite of love is hate. But I have come to learn (mostly from my divorce) that that's NOT TRUE! The opposite of love is "I don't care"! And from what you tell me, he really doesn't care.

Yes, it is tough breaking up, especially if you're the one who is the one who is dumped. I was dumped by my first gf, JP and I almost killed myself over it.

It took me about 2 yrs before I gave up hope of trying to get back with my ex, "SLK" Even though she was married again less than 1 yr after the divorce. I then had to work through my feelings about what had happened.

Actually my ex was a bit like you seem to be in that she had to have the attentions of a man to find self-worth.

I saw that when we were in college together. Her mom really hated her then boyfriend. I had met her earlier but got to know her better in college.

We chummed around in our first year because she knew me from before college. I was in a position to drive her to and from college on weekends. And because her mom hated her BF Tom, SLK wanted to dump him, but every weekend she went back he talked her into coming back to him. Her mom and dad liked me and encouraged her to take up with me. We did grow closer as the freshman year progressed and we got more serious. At the end of the school year I told SLK I was planning to dump my current gf "PJ" and I'd be back with her in about 2 wks. Well with that encouragement, SLK finally dumped Tom. And we married 3 yrs later.

From evidence I noticed during our breakup, I suspect that SLK had her current husband waiting in the wings when she dumped me. Can't prove it, but that's beside the point, because it's done now.

You yourself, ARE a person of worth! WITH or WITHOUT a man!

I echo what I and others have said. Stand on your own without a man. When you show that you care for yourself, in due course of time, you will attract a man who is worthy of you and who thinks the world of you, just because you are who you are.

I don't want you to think it will be quick, easy, or without effort.

When I finally gave up on SLK (I began to see the emotional abuse she put me through) I started working on myself, because I had some issues to work out.
I took divorce recovery classes (I recommend that for you too), anger management classes, getting ready for a new relationship classes, to make myself ready for a new wife should God have one in store for me. I prayed that I would be ready for my new wife and be the best husband I could be, and that God would prepare the lady for me who would be my wife. And He blessed me richly when "Jem" sent an email in response to my profile on Dating4Disabled. After the first few nervous exchanges, we clicked! And the rest is history. She was very much a blessing from God. I didn't think that someone could love me that much (much better than SLK did), and I responded to her in kind.

Unfotunately I am alone again because she passed from this life in July 2010.

But I am way better from having been loved by her. Her longtime friends told me that my love for her was like that for her too. We enriched one another's lives so much. I don't know if anyone can replace her in my life. Perhaps when I am done grieving for my loss.

On a side note, your son has issues. I note you have ADD (as do I) might your son have ADD, or a similar condition? I understand about leaving him where he is for now. I have a similar situation with my youngest son.

Blessings to you and yours


petals 2011-04-07 05:25:45 -0500 Report

No I haven't made myself a priority in a while. I let stress and depression get in the way. I am on meds,now for the depression that are working. I am just now getting to were I can focus again. So my next step is making myself a priority.

Nonna2Three 2011-04-06 09:00:40 -0500 Report

I don't, and I think that is why stress has taken it's toll on me. Growing up second oldest in a large family there was never any option of it. I had a lot of responsibility dumped on me from an early age.

When I married the first time I bent over backwards to make the "perfect" home just to find out after four years and two kids that my ex had been unfaithful for most of our marriage (and his lame excuse was because he thought I was too fat, ummm, yeah, I was pregnant or getting over birthing a baby for most of those four years!). On top of being unfaithful he refused to let me keep a job outside the home and was physically & mentally abusive. When I finally realized there was no hope for me or my kids in that arrangement I did work hard to get myself out of it.

I soon met my current husband and with him I am an equal priority, but I spent a lot of years trying to make sure everyone else in his family was accommodated before me and I realize now that it was because I subconsciously feared their disapproval and hated to think that any of them would ever say "well she . . . and look what she did to him, tying him down with someone elses kids like that".

Just before I met my husband I went to work in Corporate America where it was a given that I would not be priority - my job had to be if I wanted to keep it. And that really is not a bad thing, but it did wear on my physical and mental well being a lot. However, it did pay off in the end when I had built up a sufficient enough 401K to allow me to retire early. But truth be told, the stress in the last few years of my job was truly killing me - stress so bad I would sit at my desk in tears many days.

And all the while I always had my priority focused on my kids - not as much as it should have been due to job requirement, but more-so on them than on me. I had hoped that once my children were grown and on their own that I would not be under the same stresses I was feeling while trying to get them to adulthood without crime, drugs, alcohol etc. But what I found was that once they became independent there was the added stresses of them doing things I would prefer they didn't and there's not a thing I can do to make them act right. My daughter acts better than my son - right now, but they have always flip=flopped on who is going to act irresponsible during any given period. And trust me, over the last 18 years they have both been through several periods each where they acted like they had not been raised better.

Now my greatest stress is having to bite my tongue where my son's two daughters are concerned. They have different mommas and he has no visitation rights to one and doesn't exercise his visitation with the other. So if I tick either of them off they just refuse to let me see the girls. And they have both pulled that crap on more than one occasion. So even when I know the ex-DIL is standing there telling a bald-face lie I can't even dream of calling her on it for fear of not seeing one of the girls for however long it takes the momma to get over it and "need" the free babysitting again.

In the meantime, for as much as I would love a vacation away from everyone and everything right now, we can't go off for any extended time because my MIL refuses to consider assisted living and refuses much social contact with anyone but us. And, with her medical issues we just feel this obligation to be close by in case anything happens to her. She had hip replacement several years ago and never fully recovered. Now she has history of several falls - the last one put her in the hospital and in respite for about a month.

So, as much as I know I need to make myself a priority - it sure is hard when so much hinges on being sure I don't rock any boats. I have hope though (if I live that long). One day the girls will be old enough that I don't have to rely on the momma's and I won't worry about biting my tongue then. And I won't even comment on my MIL - we will all (hopefully) be old enough one day to be a burden to our own kids.

WOW! Wall of Text! Bet you weren't expecting that - LOL! :D

Art Loving
Art Loving 2011-04-06 08:30:17 -0500 Report

I still "like" to eat. Stress will do it. I'm doing much better but I'm my worst critic when I give into food. I agree with the exercise. I do it daily. It's not a choice.
I remind myself of that when I don't want to. But, today, it will be near 60-degrees and I'm going to ride my bike around the lake for the first time this spring.


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