I'm really reallyt angry right now!

blindbluesmama
By blindbluesmama Latest Reply 2011-06-30 16:29:53 -0500
Started 2011-03-28 23:52:14 -0500

Hey sorry guys, I'm about to lose all my inspiration points. I am, as my subject indicated, really angry right now. It's worse than when that mean nurse grabbged my arm and just was so arrogant about it. My fiance, who up to this point, I thought was so sensitive and supportive, apparently has been buying tons of stuff I want and can't have. I mean there was a box of twinkies sitting by the stove… easter candy in the top of the cabinet… was supposed to be for a pinyatta. Ok I could deal with that, out of sight out of mind. He claims the girls were suppose dto hide the twinkies. Anyway, then tonight he pulls the most horrible thing, and pulls out a box of cookies, not just any cookies but my favorite, the reecse's cookis with the reecse's pieces in them. Once I realized that they weren't just some old chips ahoy or something and they were in a bakery box I know what he was doing, sat there right in front of me eating them. Now, I know I'm supposed to say stuff like well I don't mind if you eat thos cookies. I know I can't have them but it's alright with me if you do. It doesn't bother me. You know, I'm supposed to be a good recovering sugar addict. But I was angry. I know I'm not supposed to feel sorry for myself, or be sad because of all the stuff I *can't* have and *shouldn't* eat. But it's just been one of those days. Even when I was *trying* to be good, the meter said I wasn't. Well, I sort of forgot that a tortilla is made with flour. Unfortunately, thinner doesn't mean better. And so then he knows this has upset me and he didn't even stop, ate several of those things. Then he wonders why I'm so upset? Oh go ahead and have one he says. We all know that isn't going to happen because I finally caved and had a cupcake last night and not the sugar free kind either. It was so hard to refrain from jumping over the chair to the couch where he was sitting and just grab the cookies out of his hand and eat every one of them and lick the container. Maybe go get some whipped cream and ice cream to go on top of them. And he's like I don't know what you want me to say. Doesn't even hug me or anything just goes to sleep like he did nothing wrong. How about I kinow I shouldn't bring that stuff in the house for starters. Or maybe, I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time. He acts like this shouldn't bother me at all. He's not the one constantly having to prick his fingers and check the meter and count carbs… or maybe not count them. He's not the one agonizing over what to eat for 30 minutes only to find out that the choice I made was really something I should have know bettern on because I don't know how many times I've read, stay away from white flour. Stay away from pizza and potatoes. It's like even when I'm really trying to be good my blood sugar is too high. I have given up all hope of ever having a target range of 140 unless I just starve myself. I mean it woulkd be like breakfast, bowl of cream of wheat. Lunch one piece of very thinly sliced turkey, salad. Dinner yogourt. There my blood sugar stayed within my target. I am seriously going to have to do something. I've never ever been so mad at Darrell in my life. I've been mad at him, but this is a deep hurt. Like I said, I know what I'm supposed to do. I know I'm supposed to be all super cool. Like hey you don't have a sugar problem. Eat what you want. But I can't make myself feel or act in a way I don't feel. And right now I feel angry. I'm angry because this stupid disease has me totally trapped. Mad because I don't have the freedom to just have a cookie without the fear of losing a limb or maybe a kidney or maybe having a heartattack. And I know it's really not cool to be mad about all those things. I'm mad because I feel like I'm all alone in this and Darell doesn't seem to understand why I'm so stressed out or emotional. He never reads beyond food labels to find the lowest carb stuff. And I do appreciate that. He just really disappointed me. I wanted one of those cookies. Why couldn't he just have gone to the bakery and bought a couple of cookies and eaten them *out* of my presence? Ok, I'm through. I will not appologize for my feelings. Right now I'm thinking it's time to tear the house apart and find those cookies and make good on my earlier threat,k and while I'm at it, do some serious damage to the chips, the twinkies, and the chocolate.


18 replies

ochibeachgirl
ochibeachgirl 2011-06-29 10:23:29 -0500 Report

I understand some of your frustration, as I have a BAAAD sweet tooth. My dietician recognised my passion for sweets and said that it is best that I cut them out slowly from my diet. We figured out that there are certain times of the month (Oh NO!!!) that I crave sweets more, and came to a compromise. If I want to have the cake (or whatever it is), I had to give up something else. For me, that has worked, so an occasional treat is still available, just not a daily thing. I am still working on regaining control - I think my mother's death last October really took me harder than I thought, and I am trying to get back on track, to lose some serious weight (like about 30 lb by Christmas), and stay alive for the love of my life, my 6 year old son Adam.

Sweet Potatoe
Sweet Potatoe 2011-06-28 08:40:14 -0500 Report

I have been doing fairly well with eating right until last niight. I didn't do to bad, but I wanted Raisin Bran Crunch Cereal and I ate a cup with 2% milk, also added water. I felt horrible after I took my last bite. Well since I was already feeling horribe, I ate cheese puffs (13) and a handful of 2 other types of chips. I was so upset with myself after I realized what I just did. I woke of this morning feeling better and told myself this couldn't happen again. Next time 1/2 cup of cereal and absolutely no chips.. My BG this morning was 95. I was looking for it to be way higher than that. I'm assuming this happens to the best of us. :) A new fresh morning.

blindbluesmama
blindbluesmama 2011-06-29 12:23:37 -0500 Report

I hate to say it but I have never been to a dietician. I *know* what I should be doing. I just don't want somebody giving me a bunch of rules and saying you can't eat this but you must eat that and just getting frustrated all the time. I guess I just try to eat more meat and cheese and vegies. Don't really do so good on the veggies. I try to eat lower carb breads and stuff like that and not snack too much. But I break a rule at least once a week sometimes more. I have a lot of issues with pain too and pain makes me want to eat more. I ended up turning the candy into my special treat. I get little bite sized pieces, try to keep it to one every so often. That way if I have a real chocolate emergency, and have four or five it's not as big a deal because mostly I take my chocolate in very small doses. Of course, once I get my swim spa my plan is to exercise like crazy. The plan is that exercising will make me want to eat less and eating less will make me lose weight and losing weight will make the diabetes less of a problem. That's the plan. Will I break rules and eat stuff I['m not supposed to? Of course. Because I'm coming to realize that you can look at it as a big list of thou shalt nots but you aren't really living if you look at it that way. It's more like well I can cut out sugary sodas. Then you go well I can cut out cookies too. Then you go gee, maybe I can have just cheese instead of cheese and crackers, or I can have yogourt with fruit in it instead of having yogourt and a piece of fruit. But then sometimes you have a day where you say you know what sobody made homemade peanut butter pie and diabetes be damned I'm going to have some. And other days you go well yeah I know what pie tastes like I don't want any today. Sometimes you realize that you have weaknesses and sometimes you overcome them. It's just like day to day nothing is ever easy any time. I don't even pretend that I do well all the time. Like I said, I probably have a bad food at least once a week. And every week I say no more! And every week I do something I shouldn't anyway, some of the shouldn't are bigger than others. I am probably getting on the met forman when I see the doctor because I'm tired of worrying every time I have a piece of fruit with some toast or whatever. It might be nice to eat normal meals and just cut out the obvious stuff like sweets and pizza. I can handle that. Sure miss my 12 grain bread though, but that has 20 carbs a slice. And we can't find any low carb 12 grain bread.

blindbluesmama
blindbluesmama 2011-06-29 09:23:46 -0500 Report

O, sweety, why are you mad that your sugar is 95/ That's within normal range. I keep struggling with mine. But today is jumped up way high and I know I had a big snack last night but I didn't think I ate enough to send it soaring like that. But I suspect the presence of yeast in my system and I have been in a lot of pain so that coupled with a snack that I would have been better off without and there ya go. But if 95 is your worst I wouldn't worry about it. And raisin bran crunch? That sounds healthy. Maybe you should just drink milk the way God intended, whole without taking away the fat and stuff your body might need. I personally don't drink milk, but if I did I would not drink two percent and certainly wouldn't add water to it if it's already watered down. Of course, I wouldn't give up my diet sodas either, no matter how many people tell me they are worse than the real ones. So we all have our nods to the diet industry. I also love my low carb yogourt. But seriously, don't get worked up over a reading of 95. I think that is within normal ranges. My fb this morning was in the 200's when I've been 150 175 for a while. When I was really really being careful I had it down to 100.

Sweet Potatoe
Sweet Potatoe 2011-06-30 16:29:53 -0500 Report

Thanks for making me feel better. You will get your BG down to normal range also. I believe you have determination. Once you start feeling better, you will do well.

denatrout1974
denatrout1974 2011-05-07 09:02:30 -0500 Report

i completly get where your coming from i have a husbands and 4 kids ranging from 5 to 16 who alays want snacks ive been trying to get them to eat more fruits and stuff, but they dont always,my husband is alays eating junk, he has a bunch of crap right next to our bed.and it makes me angry,and i find myself taking it hiding it so i can eat it later.

LabRat90
LabRat90 2011-05-07 08:50:10 -0500 Report

I'm glad that you have the confidence and the support on this site to vent. Sometimes my husband just doesn't understand, too. And then when my numbers are bouncing, I get mad and it seems he just doesn't want to understand. It'll drive you crazy. But you are not alone and one day he'll "get it" too. It takes the whole household to monitor diabetes.

nanaellen
nanaellen 2011-03-29 18:02:34 -0500 Report

I hear ya loud and clear!! LOL I have the same temptations in my house too! I'm raising my Grandson who is 13 and he has ADHD which he is on meds for and the meds for HIM act like a diet pill so he's a skinny pickle and I HAVE to have all the treats and sweets and all the stuff I would LOVE to have just to keep HIM @ a healthy weight. It's REALLY hard I know but if Darell wants to go to the Bakery then ask him to pick up a sugar free dessert for YOU while he's there!! I've used Truvia and Splenda to bake with and it actually tastes pretty good too!! I've even made low fat sugar free cheesecake with the Truvia and no one knew!! Keep your chin up you can do this!!

pkwillhoite
pkwillhoite 2011-03-29 12:25:04 -0500 Report

I know what your going thru!! My daughter is learning to cvool and makes cakes all the time and my fravorite CHOLOLATE… Why do I have to have this darn disease…???? I feel for you and I am glad that you had control!! I wish I did…

Flustrated
Flustrated 2011-03-29 12:09:36 -0500 Report

Hi,There is nothing mor tempting than passing a bakery and smelling fresh bread or just any kind of homemade goods. Sitting by the table and just enjoy the darn food on your plate without seeing carb numbers on them in front of them and trying to figure everything out is what's flustrating. Trying to get A1C down to safe range drives me nuts. When I didn't have diabetes and a lot younger my mom use to love baking. She even worked in a bakery. I tempt my self at supper last night with a glazed donut. Got up with a 143 count. The night before got up at night with 70 and felt it. I ate the same thing both days. I had a whole donut and the night with the 70 count had 1/2 donut, I thought it would be safe. NUTS.

blindbluesmama
blindbluesmama 2011-03-30 09:33:35 -0500 Report

I'd love to have your numbers right now. My bs is 150 fasting and it's all because I started snacking after dinner again. As for my ppbs, well I have figured out that to get it down in target range, I will have to practically starve myself to death to get it there and diabetes or no it's not worth that. I'm just going to keep losing weight. My ppbs is dropping. When I started doing this three weeks ago, after means my ppbs was 285. Now it's sometimes 220 if I'm good and if I really just hardly eat I can get it down to 148, but that's hard. Anyway, speaking of, I am about to go get some breakfast.

Pynetree
Pynetree 2011-03-29 11:32:28 -0500 Report

…but WOW…isn't it great how you can qvetch on here and everyone knows, and has been, where you are coming from! Hope by now the black cloud has passed! My only other comment is - "what they said!" (grin)

blindbluesmama
blindbluesmama 2011-03-30 09:36:36 -0500 Report

Yes, the black cloud has passed. Darrell is trying. But he's trying ot change right along with me and it's hard. Lately I've been trying to see how much bend is in those ropes tied around me. So I found the easter candy and last night I only had one little katkat. But if I want my fasting sugar to go down I have to quit snacking at night. I got into that bad habit again and my bs is like 157. I liked it better when it was 125 117. Speaking of, I'm really starved. Time to eat.

Type1Lou
Type1Lou 2011-03-29 10:52:07 -0500 Report

Realize that your rage creates stress for you and stress can be a factor in raising your blood sugar too. I totally support Gabby's advice. My husband also loves his junk food and makes his own cakes now. I wouldn't dream of depriving him and hope he will never develop this disease…of course, Twinkies and canned frosting make me gag so they're not hard for me to give up. I do love my cookies though and buy some sugar-free versions to satisfy that sweet craving. I find my tastes have changed over the years as I've adapted to living with Diabetes. Although it's never EASY, it may get EASIER.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2011-03-29 08:08:43 -0500 Report

Welcome to mood swings 101! Diabetes has that lovely effect and on us women, it can be even worse if you know what I mean. I CRAVE carbs certain times and feel so out of control and resentful during those times. It will pass. It might not be pretty, but it will pass. So get mad, yell a little. Ok, yell a lot. Feel hurt but never feel sorry for yourself.

You can have something of a treat...just don't eat the whole box. Sometimes it's easier to say no to it all instead of starting the crave monster. I have learned that one scoop of ice cream can be as satisfying as a whole bowl. It takes time and you will have to fight for that place.

We do have to take responsibility for our own actions, and we know that. Support doesn't always come when we want it. He doesn't have to give up these things and so his seemingly "insensitive" actions may be just more reactive than you realize. Perhaps ask him to give up something for a week that he really loves so that he can get the idea of what you are feeling when he does those things to you. I will be honest and hope I don't sound chauvinistic, but guys don't get it sometimes unless you say it directly. Be open, but realize, you are the one with diabetes, not him.

My hubby is a junk food junkie. He tries, but he just has no discipline and so I buy him some of the things he loves. However, we keep it on his desk, out of the pantry and that helps me a lot. If I "want" something, I have to ask...and that action alone helps me stop and think.

bobec4
bobec4 2011-03-29 05:52:06 -0500 Report

I can understand where you are coming from as a sugar addict as well. What makes it really rough at my house is i have a 4 year old son, so you know I have to have to have some sweets around for him. I am constantly peeking in the kitchen at the cakes and ice cream wanting some so bad, and yes I slip occasionally when the temptation becomes too much. The key for me is to not beat myself up too much when I do eat the blasted things lol. I look at my diabetes as a boxing match. Sure I am going to take some hits but you can bet im in it for the long haul. I will come out swinging bell after bell. When I need that extra inspiration I hold my son and think to myself that I want to see him grow into a man and that If I dont do the things I have to do that dream will never happen. Please dont give up hope and if you need shoulder to lean on please send me a note I have big shoulders and I have hearing loss so you can yell as loud as you want to lol.

usfan51473
usfan51473 2011-03-29 00:10:11 -0500 Report

I understand where you're coming from. I am the only one in my family that is diabetic. I am constantly tempted with stuff I should'nt eat. What I've learned is that you don't have to cut youself off totally. If you take things in moderation it will not affect your numbers. I'm not saying it is alright to eat pizza and pasta every night, but once or twice a month won't hurt you.

Keddiekilowatt
Keddiekilowatt 2011-03-29 10:29:02 -0500 Report

I agree with you usfan. Take what you eat in moderation. I have found that if you deny yourself something that is just the thing you have to have. It is better to say I can have a cookie as long as I plan it in my diet. Than to say I can't have any cookies. Watch your portions and carb & sugar count keep it as low as possible when dealing with sweets. I found a peanut butter cookie recipe that is only three ingredients - egg, PB, & sugar. It is low in calories 66, carb 7g, total sugar 6g & total fat 4g per cookie. I found this recipe on: http://www.diabeticlivingonline.com/recipe/co... Good luck with your control.