Hey sorry guys, I'm about to lose all my inspiration points. I am, as my subject indicated, really angry right now. It's worse than when that mean nurse grabbged my arm and just was so arrogant about it. My fiance, who up to this point, I thought was so sensitive and supportive, apparently has been buying tons of stuff I want and can't have. I mean there was a box of twinkies sitting by the stove… easter candy in the top of the cabinet… was supposed to be for a pinyatta. Ok I could deal with that, out of sight out of mind. He claims the girls were suppose dto hide the twinkies. Anyway, then tonight he pulls the most horrible thing, and pulls out a box of cookies, not just any cookies but my favorite, the reecse's cookis with the reecse's pieces in them. Once I realized that they weren't just some old chips ahoy or something and they were in a bakery box I know what he was doing, sat there right in front of me eating them. Now, I know I'm supposed to say stuff like well I don't mind if you eat thos cookies. I know I can't have them but it's alright with me if you do. It doesn't bother me. You know, I'm supposed to be a good recovering sugar addict. But I was angry. I know I'm not supposed to feel sorry for myself, or be sad because of all the stuff I *can't* have and *shouldn't* eat. But it's just been one of those days. Even when I was *trying* to be good, the meter said I wasn't. Well, I sort of forgot that a tortilla is made with flour. Unfortunately, thinner doesn't mean better. And so then he knows this has upset me and he didn't even stop, ate several of those things. Then he wonders why I'm so upset? Oh go ahead and have one he says. We all know that isn't going to happen because I finally caved and had a cupcake last night and not the sugar free kind either. It was so hard to refrain from jumping over the chair to the couch where he was sitting and just grab the cookies out of his hand and eat every one of them and lick the container. Maybe go get some whipped cream and ice cream to go on top of them. And he's like I don't know what you want me to say. Doesn't even hug me or anything just goes to sleep like he did nothing wrong. How about I kinow I shouldn't bring that stuff in the house for starters. Or maybe, I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time. He acts like this shouldn't bother me at all. He's not the one constantly having to prick his fingers and check the meter and count carbs… or maybe not count them. He's not the one agonizing over what to eat for 30 minutes only to find out that the choice I made was really something I should have know bettern on because I don't know how many times I've read, stay away from white flour. Stay away from pizza and potatoes. It's like even when I'm really trying to be good my blood sugar is too high. I have given up all hope of ever having a target range of 140 unless I just starve myself. I mean it woulkd be like breakfast, bowl of cream of wheat. Lunch one piece of very thinly sliced turkey, salad. Dinner yogourt. There my blood sugar stayed within my target. I am seriously going to have to do something. I've never ever been so mad at Darrell in my life. I've been mad at him, but this is a deep hurt. Like I said, I know what I'm supposed to do. I know I'm supposed to be all super cool. Like hey you don't have a sugar problem. Eat what you want. But I can't make myself feel or act in a way I don't feel. And right now I feel angry. I'm angry because this stupid disease has me totally trapped. Mad because I don't have the freedom to just have a cookie without the fear of losing a limb or maybe a kidney or maybe having a heartattack. And I know it's really not cool to be mad about all those things. I'm mad because I feel like I'm all alone in this and Darell doesn't seem to understand why I'm so stressed out or emotional. He never reads beyond food labels to find the lowest carb stuff. And I do appreciate that. He just really disappointed me. I wanted one of those cookies. Why couldn't he just have gone to the bakery and bought a couple of cookies and eaten them *out* of my presence? Ok, I'm through. I will not appologize for my feelings. Right now I'm thinking it's time to tear the house apart and find those cookies and make good on my earlier threat,k and while I'm at it, do some serious damage to the chips, the twinkies, and the chocolate.
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