How do others deal with the stress of finding out a spouse is diabetic?

Anonymous
By Anonymous Latest Reply 2011-10-02 13:11:02 -0500
Started 2011-03-27 21:27:35 -0500

Hi. I'm new to this community, but hope that there is someone out there who has been in my shoes and can offer some advice. My husband was diagnosed 3 1/2 months ago with type 2 diabetes. It was a bolt-out-of-the-blue. His doctor diagnosed him after a routine blood work up during a physical. He'd had no symptoms. He's in his early 40's and always been healthy. Our lives have been completely turned upside down. Doctors visits, blood work, more doctors visits, more blood work. I put on a brave face for him as much as I can. I'm trying to be supportive. I went through the kitchen and got rid of everything that he can't have to eat. I try to smile through the horrible food and exercise regiment - which I do right along side him because I know how alone and alienated I would feel if I had to do it by myself. I try not to cry every time he has to check his blood or have blood work done. But this is absolutely horrible. I read everything that I can find - and the more I read, the worse it gets. I have a constant feeling of dread. I obsess over all the things that are going to happen to him over the coming years until I literally lock myself in the bathroom and vomit. I pull off the road on my way home from work at night and cry, just so that I don't do it in front of him. I can't sleep at night. I'm so depressed that I have reached the end of my ability to cope with this. How do other spouses/significant others handle this? How do you go from a normal life to "this" and keep your sanity and relationship intact? We've been married 22 years and been through some very rough times, but I feel like a horrible person because I don't know if I can deal with this "forever". Help… :(


38 replies

Armourer
Armourer 2011-10-02 01:24:53 -0500 Report

Okay, I understand how you feel, for when I was told 13 years ago it was as if the Doc had told me I had cancer. I spent a year in denial, landed in the hospital because my diet I had been on for the last seven years from a stroke was totally the wrong foods, nobody said a thing to me. After 1.5 years of fighting the finger prick I quit testing for two years, then some advances made it possible to check on alternate sights. Then a couple more years fighting the diet thing. All the while my family (wife & 3 kids) did little in the way of support. I was alone. So my advice is this: 1) accept the changes that need to be made. 2) Be supportive, on this I really commend you on! The sooner you both accept & make the changes and live life the sooner you put off or the bad may not happen at all. I wish I had done this, now I face problems caused by my not accepting & making the needed changes. In truth, society would be better off if they ate the diabetic diet. Carbs are the enemy, protein and fiber one's friends. Its okay to treat oneself once in awhile, just don't pig out and keep control of the portions! And remember that if you have a question or just want to vent, come to your other "family" here at DC. Now go forth, make the changes, and live life to the fullest possible, this is not the end of the world, just seems like it right now.

onefunblonde57
onefunblonde57 2011-10-01 21:27:47 -0500 Report

HELLO,

I JUST WANTED TO TRY AND HELP JUST A LITTLE IF I MAY.
I AM A YOUNG LADY OF 58 YEARS OLD, AND WHEN I RECEIVED
THE NEWS, IN APRIL OF 2011. I HELD IT TOGETHER IN THE DOCTORS
OFFICE, BUT BROKE DOWN…WHEN I GOT TO MY WONDERFUL
PHARMACIST FRED…ON THE FIRST FLOOR…HE SAID THIS TO ME
(I AM HERE FOR YOU…I WILL HELP IN ANY WAY, I CAN…TYPE 2
DIABETES…IS NOT A TERMINAL ILLNESS,LIKE CANCER, AND WITH
A FEW LIFE STYLE CHANGES…IT IS REVERSIBLE…UNLIKE TYPE 1
THESE FEW WORDS TURNED ME AROUND…I FEEL BETTER RIGHT
NOW,BECAUSE I RECEIVED THE RIGHT MEDICATION…( I WAS ALWAYS
TIRED,WHEN MY SUGAR WAS HIGH…AND I DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT WAS
AND THE (PHARMACIST TOLD ME ABOUT DIABETIC CONNECT)
WHAT AN (AWESOME GROUP OF PEOPLE) I AM SO BLESSED.
YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND…MAY ALSO JOIN A DIABETIC SUPPORT
GROUP,IT WOULD HELP BOTH OF YOU…SO MUCH…AND HELP
TO TURN SOME OF THOSE (SAD FEELINGS AROUND…TO POSITIVES..)

GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE
HERE FOR YOU…ALWAYS

ONEFUNBLONDE57…A BIG HUG FOR BOTH OF YOU…

stormz
stormz 2011-10-01 23:43:15 -0500 Report

Welcome to DC! You have a great attitude towards all you were told! I'm happy to know that you are here and getting the support you need. Your right type 2 can be changed around unlike type 1. It's just a matter of control over your sugar and starch intake. Of course your medication goes without saying. If you ever need anything let me know I am pretty much online every night and more than willing to help just give me a shout. God Bless! Hugs!

onefunblonde57
onefunblonde57 2011-10-02 12:58:00 -0500 Report

GOOD MORNING TO YOU,AND A VERY HAPPY SUNDAY TO
YOU AS WELL,THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR VERY POSITIVE
REPLY, IT MEANS A LOT…I ALWAYS TRY TO HELP,AS MUCH
AS I CAN,WITH DIABETES,WE FACE SO MANY CHALLENGES,
BUT HOW WE COPE WITH THEM IS WHAT REALLY DEFINES
WHO WE ARE…

TAKE CARE…STAY WELL…
AND GOD BLESS…ONEFUNBLONDE57…KEEPING POSITIVE!

stormz
stormz 2011-10-02 13:11:02 -0500 Report

Good Morning onefunblonde57 and a very Happy Sunday! Your Welcome you are very positive which is great with our challenges that we do meet every day and how we cope with them and there will be many challenges every day. It does define who we are but also how we deal with them. That is a big issue. You have a great attitude towards it all and I see you meeting them all head on and direct without hesitation which is good. Remember though if you ever need anything you always have support here because we all stumble sometimes. Even us great ones with positive attitudes. Do stay positive it helps you beat a lot of things in life! Have a wonderful day! Keep in touch! I love your out look on life need more positive energy flowing through here than negetive! God Bless!!

DragonDreams
DragonDreams 2011-10-01 11:01:13 -0500 Report

It sounds like you are grieving for your old lifestyle. Have you considered therapy? It could help both of you in dealing with your new normal. Yes that's right your NEW normal. These changes you are making for him will be good for you too. Talk to him about your feelings, because he's probably feeling the same (and also hiding it from you so he doesn't stress you out more). Make an appointment to see a diabetes educator, so you can get some reassurances about how this is going so far. Ask about support groups in your area. There is a free one at a local hospital near me. Sometimes having a physical hug and vent session is what is needed. I hope you are feeling better soon.

stormz
stormz 2011-10-01 21:05:44 -0500 Report

Stop worrying so much first of all..I have had it over 11 years he is not going to die unless he does not get control of it. Sounds like he is on the right track so I would not worry so much about that. Yes it is normal to worry. He is going through changes and so will you but I think you should talk to him and not hide your feelings maybe he needs to talk about it as well. You have a great support system here and you can find support systems in your local area too. Call information or call your local hospital and find out what is going on in your area they will know. If you have kids talk to them too or even a close friend anyone who will listen, I will listen I was new to this once I didn't forget what it was like. I thought my world was going to fall apart too. Soon I realized wait a minuet I just have to do this and that and I will be okay. Back then there wasn't any support groups out there. It was hard to find even low calorie food. Let alone sugar free sugar. Your in a good time to have this happen. That came out wrong but if it's going to happen we have more knowledge than we ever did and more choices too. You might want to ask your husband how about if we go to the supermarket just for you and buy food that's based around your diet which is not a diet but a life plan it sounds better that way. I hope that helps and if you ever need anything just give me a shout I'll be glad to help you and listen. We were all new to this once. Big hugs and God Bless you both! I almost forget welcome to our community!

cindygal1
cindygal1 2011-10-01 10:30:24 -0500 Report

First off you are making way too much of this, I have been a diabetic 2, since 1992, just recently my husband of 42 years was to that he had diabetes 2. He has a illness that is treatment the only thing that you have to do is learn what you can and cannot eat, and do more walking, and test his blood, you act like he is dying. yOU NEED to fine a class and attend it, you are in worse shape than he is. My husband blood sugar is already under control and we do it tgether. But he has a far wrose problem that we are having to deal with he has a rare blood disease that when he was told that he he had it, he was told that he had 18 months to live. That was 7 years ago and he is still alive, he goes every two week to give a pint of blood that has to be thrown away, that is the only way that they can control his condition. We live with it as we live with his deiabetes. You need more help than he does and you are making your self sick over something that can be control. I suggest that you visit your doctor and tell him what you are going through and see if he can't help you. There are far worse things than diabetes. You are not handling good at all. I hope that we can be friends. He has an illness that can be control, but you need help too. Good luck and I would pay a visit to my doctor and explain how it is affecting you, I am sure that he can help you.

Wolfrider64
Wolfrider64 2011-09-15 14:06:14 -0500 Report

I'm in the same boat, healthy, active, no other health issue except for gout then this. Ur whole world gets turned upside down with what u can eat and what u can't. The stress, the exercises, the pills, the finger sticks, so more stress. Thankfully for me my wife is a nurse and she is there for me and now that I have found this place it helps with what I read and the info I can pull from here. But most important is knowing that you placed yourself into one large support group.

TN VOL
TN VOL 2011-04-20 11:25:17 -0500 Report

First of all don't punish your self it is nothing you have done. I have type 2 and my mother and aunts and uncles did. My mother had to have both legs ampated before she passed away. This is a big life style change for you and your husband but you can adjust. Just support your husband but also donpunish your self he has to be willing to make the changes just as you do but ultmately it is his choice of how serious it can be. i have went through a lot of changes and just went through another about 5 weeks ago, I received my insulin pump and I love it from what I had to do in the past. Just stay positive and look at it as a bump in the road that you have to adjust too. God is always there as well, he sure helps me when I seek him and not sure where I should turn. As he said something as this knock and the door will always be open I think for anything we just have to put it in perpectative.
Your husband is lucky he has you to support him. Good luck and see if you have a support group where you live this may help also. Keep in touch with the community as well. happy easter and God Bless!

2011-04-20 11:06:27 -0500 Report

My name is OJ CALDERON
-volunteer worker who helps diabetic people
-wellness motivator
-born-again christian who has the heart for HELPING
-a FRIEND

I am a medical representative of National Diabetes Association.
We are currently giving away Diabetes Supply at a little to no cost, as well also
free information on diabetes help management.
If you are interested please follow and make some reply on my post.
We would like to help you all in every single way that we can.
ONE DIABETIC AT A TIME.
GODBLESS and KEEP WELL

Somoca
Somoca 2011-04-20 10:33:08 -0500 Report

I understand your frustration. I had no idea that I had DT2. I felt like I was broken, defective. People say that it gets easier and sometimes it is, but please realize that he will have days when he is moody, depressed and angry. Unfortunately my DT@ is why I am alone. My partner couldn't handle it and he left. I do not date at the moment, but thats okay.
He needs your love and he may not say it but it will be vital to him making it through this part of his life. I sincerely believe that god does not put anything in your life that you can not handle so I am sure that you can make it.
Remember, he needs you.

shorty1965
shorty1965 2011-04-20 10:22:56 -0500 Report

It will get easy.it is hard in the begining but it do get easy look at the different category in here they have a lot of foods that are good for you to try. just change the seasons that you put on them will help.Try some different things with him and it will help alot.and you can make different things together and that may help.Team work it great.

nightengale54
nightengale54 2011-04-20 09:36:00 -0500 Report

Believe me sweet heart I do know what you are saying It isn't easy.My man and I both have it and we try very hard to work on this together.We go to a support group once a month and it does help us.Honey there are more couples out there then you think that are trying to make a go of this,Believe me.My prayers are with you.

Art Loving
Art Loving 2011-04-20 09:28:53 -0500 Report

I was diagnosed a year ago. My BS are in control, and I'm truly enjoying a new lifestyle. and, like you my wife is supportive. I say the Serenity Prayer daily.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Peace and comfort to you.

jeffrey9127
jeffrey9127 2011-04-20 09:08:29 -0500 Report

Hello, While your husband's diagnoses is causing you stress, realize one thing, of all the diseases that a person could get, Diabetes can be for the most part controlled by diet, exercise and medication. When I was first diagnosed (exactly one year ago today), My A1c was high, and my BS numbers were very high. One year later I feel good, have nomal BS numbers, and my last A1C was 5.6.

Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with Cancer on February 18, 2010. I am in treatment at this time for this disease. If I could choose one disease, it would definitely be the Diabetes, not Cancer.

Give yourself time. Your husband will be fine. Take one day at a time, and be happy. I am praying for both of you. If you need to vent, or share your feelings, or fears, you are welcome to post to me.

Ann Wambui
Ann Wambui 2011-04-20 02:14:11 -0500 Report

Hi, i fill the pain you are goin through, i was diagnised six years back and i was just eighteen years old.I felt like its end of me and i was afraid and hopeless why all this had to happen at my age, from what i knew that time is that diabetic is a condition for aged people. I later learned thats i will need to adjust to few changes and move on. It has not been easy but having to take it positively all is goin well as far is my blood sugar level is concerned.
Thank you because you are together to handle this, for me am single and afraid to start a relationship, because am afraid to find someone who will accept and understand my condion.
I wish you well.

June Tademy
June Tademy 2011-04-19 21:02:09 -0500 Report

Hello newcomer, the world is not going to end and neither is your life. Just a few changes to make his life worthwihile so that both of you can still be a happy married couple for another 22 years:). I was diagnoised at age 60, I had no spouse and it is entirely up to me to handle this, even though I do have a family. You have to handle this just like you have handled everything else in your life, it is that simple. You should only be reading about the good things you should be doing for your husband, which by the by is his responsibility, you are his partner who is his support. Calm down and take small breaths he is still alive but will have to change his life just as he would if he had cancer or any other disease. I think you are putting too much into this, it is not the end of the world, you still have a husband make the best of it. Be sad for a moment but wake up and smell the wonderful roses, you have a lot to be thankful for and stop being dramatic. We have all been through this, I just told myself that I had to change my life style and when I did not I suffered the consequences and now I am on top of it all. How does your husband feel about this, all we hear about is you…Good luck and have your hubby write to us, we are here to help him…It is a long road but it can be a happy road to travel, all roads are not smooth there are a few bumps but we always bounce over them…try it.

HisOtherHalf
HisOtherHalf 2011-04-04 06:28:28 -0500 Report

I want to thank everyone that took the time to respond to my post. It helps a little seeing things from others perspectives. Believe me, I know that this is "his" disease - but it is "our" problem. In this case, it came at the tail end of what had been a horrible year, just days before what was already going to be a sad Christmas - this was, literally, the straw that broke the camels back. However, as someone who has been married 22+ years can tell you - a marriage will not last if you do not face your struggles and hardships together. I could insulate myself from this by telling him to deal with it on his own and go about my life as usual, but, in the end, our marriage would not last. That's why I reached out hoping that there would be other spouses out there who had felt like me who could offer some advice. It's a horrible, helpless feeling that I do my best to mask in front of him because I know how bad stress is for his condition. For every meltdown that he has seen, there have been a dozen that he hasn't. I know that I will never embrace these changes to our life, but I'm just hoping that I can learn the tools to cope. Thanks again.

Pynetree
Pynetree 2011-04-03 09:17:31 -0500 Report

Hey…take a deep breath…this isn't cancer! He has a lot of control over this diognosis. And with your help he will gain control. Decision is, do you want to "face a lifetime" with diabetes, following a healthy diet, and getting some exercise, taking Rx's, to have control over your BG…or, just not think about what you eat, avoid meds, and give up any idea of control …makes life easier, but also shorter.
You have healthcare, those Dr.'s, are partners with hubby, in this diabetes. In the beginning you do feel overwhelmed, but knowledge brings power. He has to test a lot, write down everything he eats, what's going on, how he feels, any exercise. This journalling will show him, and his Dr., what foods, stress,exercise, illness, etc., do to his blood sugar. There is nothing a diabetic can not eat…just can't have unlimited quanity.
Diabetes is a life sentence…NOT a death sentence. It's a change in his lifestyle, a healthy change. Good luck.

Nana Jt
Nana Jt 2011-04-03 08:42:30 -0500 Report

Hello Welcome to DC. I'M a newbie here but I was diagnosed over 5 years ago. Its like I was diagnosed yesterday, I'm still trying to cope. I never had anyone to talk to and was getting misinformation from people that were suppossed to know more. You have to weight everything said to you. You need to research and talk to anyone you can. But first you need to talk to your husband. You need to find out how he is coping with DM, what he wants to do ignore it(which is not good), I've been there it just makes the disease worse or is he going to get off his butt and take care of himself!!!!
You can do everything but you forget that he has to want to get better until then you are just putting a bandaid on a gaping wound. I know that for a fact because I keep doing it. I'm taking my meds and eating right. I get depressed about the disease and then I'm back to denial. I don't know if some people are like this or just me. The sooner he excepts the disease, the sooner he can get a better handle on it. You can only chage his diet at home but the rest of the time its him. If he doesn't want to acknowledge his disease nothing you can do will make much of a difference. Good luck and God Bless you both.

EJMac
EJMac 2011-04-02 16:01:52 -0500 Report

Welcome to Diabetic Connect. I know this had been a shock for both of you, but thank God it was caught during the routine exam. There are many people out there who don't know they have diabetes and it affects there body badly before they find out. Honestly, this isn't so bad. There is a solution. Now you must consider I am comparing it to the pancreatic cancer I had and recent lung cancer diagnosis. It's all relative, right? When you stop to think about it, you both have a chance to improve your health and end up better than you may have without this challenge. I know-we are FORCED to eat right, exercise daily and take care of ourselves-or we may suffer the consequences. Guess what?? It did motivate me for the first time in my life. I can't believe it took so much for my head to accept daily exercise and healthy eating!!!!
There is alot to learn, but take it a step at a time (many will suggest that here). If you two have been living pretty healthy already, it should be a bit easier for you. It is like solving a big puzzle because every body is different and he will have to find out what works for him. My spouse comes to my appts with me so both of us ask any questions we have. Give yourself alot of credit. You don't realize what a gift it is for your spouse to have you adjust with him. You must love him alot. Truly, one day at a time it will all work out-really. God bless. Be good to yourself. Welcome to this site. Elaine

Dixiemom
Dixiemom 2011-04-02 15:41:28 -0500 Report

It's a shock to the younger adults who are diagnosed especially if you are active and in good health. Don't stress over the information. It will overload the mind and cause depression. Take things in small doses. Remember it is your husband who must be in control, not you. Just be a support to him and get some good diabetic cookbooks. Food should taste good and mealtime should be enjoyable. Remember to think positive thoughts. You are not a horrible person. You are allowed to relieve your frustations any way you can, I find gardening a good stress reliever or reading. Just remember, the Lord never gives us more then we can bear. Keep talking to us and it will help.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2011-04-02 14:02:23 -0500 Report

Howdy Annon! WELCOME to DC!
You are going through a rough patch in your lives right now. And it is so NEW and foreign to you both. It does affect you both, even though it is your husband who has it and as Bonnie said below, it is he who has to OWN it, or pay the consequences.

Yes, it is new for you even after 3.5 mos. But EVENTUALLY this way of life will become the "new normal" for your hubby and for you. Everyone's adjustment to the new normal is different. I could tell you how long it took me to actually get on the bandwagon, but I don't want you to think it should take that amount of time (long or short) for your adjustment. But unless you both go into denial, the adjsutment WILL come, sooner or later (I pray sooner).

Both you and he need to come to terms with diabetes ("DM") and realize that if he wants to live a long and relatively complication free life, that eating plans, exercise, Blood glucose ("BG") readings and medications (if needed) are absolutely necessary!

You make a comment about the "Horrible food". Granted the food may be different if you're used to foods high in sugars and carbohydrates, but that doesn't mean that it has to be tasteless, bland and boring! Check out the recipes section (link on the left border this page) and take a look at all the wonderful (IMO) foods listed there. It may not be exactly how you grew up with food, but it is tasty, healthy, nourishing. Dev (below) has some wonderful suggestions about how to cope with that issue.

If you and your husband have a solid relationship you should come through this maybe even stronger. Open a dialog with your hubby. Let him know that you're behind him getting control of his DM, and let him know that you do grieve for the way it was. Talk with him, cry in front of him. Go to a counselor together to talk about issues, or if he won't go (he should - a real man can confront his feelings) but if he won't go, go by yourself so you can clarify your feelings about the way things are going between you.

Please feel free to vent/rant/cry to us as needed. NO! You are NOT a horrible person. It is a horrible situation.

A horrible person teases the Person With Diabetes ("PWD") as I have heard (through DC) other spouses have done: Like getting a big bowl of ice cream and waving it in front of PWD's face saying "Ha ha ha! I can have this AND YOU CAN'T!"

A horrible person doesn't want to be bothered with the spouse who is a PWD and who walks away and divorces that PWD.

I pray that you find your "New normal" quickly. And that God will richly bless you and yours!

James

Blessed617
Blessed617 2011-04-02 13:57:52 -0500 Report

I know what it is like to start looking at information until you are literally scared to death. I've done that to myself on more than one occasion. I told someone close to me about it and realized that it's good to have knowledge, but use it wisely. All that negative stuff you are reading can be avoided or at least delayed. Taking good care of your husband now and helping him get his readings under control is vital. People on here have lived many years with diabetes and are still living healthy lives because they chose to make healthy decisions. Instead of focusing on what could happen, stay focused on the present. Celebrate the progress. And know that by changing your diet to a diabetic friendly diet is not a bad thing. It is healthy and can add years to your life as well as his. Instead of being upset and worried when he takes his blood sugar reading, be there with him and encourage him. Celebrate good readings and encourage him when it might be high. Help him to figure out the cause and work to change so that it doesn't happen again. The more you stress about this you are going to have an effect on him. Your stress will be sensed by him and that will only serve to stress him and stress raises the reading. Look on here to find those who have lived years with diabetes and be encouraged by their progress. Diabetes is only a death sentence if your husband chooses to make it such. Oh, and continue to post here and find support. We are here to listen and encourage each other. No matter what you are feeling we will not judge you but will lift you up and encourage you.

Dev
Dev 2011-04-02 13:44:49 -0500 Report

Hi, I can relate to what you are going through. My husband was diagnosed summer of 2009. He is not even 40 yet. It was a shock. He is otherwise healthy and not overweight. His father died that summer unexpectedly so that added to how we reacted to the diagnosis.

My first reaction was to go online and read anything and everything I could. Found DC in the process. That was very helpful. I see you have taken that step. So that is good.

The next thing was to go with him for his diabetes education session. There were four sessions. Some information useful some not, some we forgot. It is a lot of overload at one go but it definitely gave us some understanding of what we were dealing with. It also helped me not feel helpless. Helplessness and anger were two feelings I had to manage in the first couple of months. I felt helpless because I thought he had all the control over something that is going to affect both our lives. We discussed the information in the DE sessions together and it made me feel part of it.
I have realised over time that diabetes happened to me too. It is important to talk about my fears too. Not necessarily with your husband if he is dealing with too much right now but with somebody. You crashing and burning emotionally is not helpful to either of you.

You might not be able to imagine it right now, but as time passes, checking BG and counting carbs becomes part of your daily life so much so that most of the times it is not intrusive. So believe that passage of time will ease some of the things.

The fear of complications - all doctors all the time motivated us with this fear of complications. Focusing on all the things that can go wrong is not always productive motivation. The way I deal with the fear of complications is simple truth - much of it is in our hands. High BGs over time lead to these complications so I concentrated on helping him keep his BG in control instead of worrying about all the things that can go wrong.

You mentioned the 'horrible food and exercise regiment' - I remember the first couple of months when we felt like there was nothing left to eat. Two things helped - firstly, focusing on carb counting and portion control rather than a can and cannot eat list. He is a foodie, even now he does not react well if he is told he cannot eat something. But if we look at it as overall he should achieve this carb goal then it works. so he can have a small portion of his favourite dessert and make sure he eats less of other carbs in that meal.
Secondly, searching for substitutions in the existing favourite recipes; trying out various other carb friendly dishes and finding out which ones are enjoyable enough to add to the regular meals.

These are some of the things in the beggining that helped me cope. If you have any specific questions or just want to talk with somebody you can add me as a friend and send a note on DC email.

BonnieCuster1948
BonnieCuster1948 2011-04-02 13:08:11 -0500 Report

The responsibility for diabetes control is your husband's, not yours. I have had Type 2 diabetes for 10 year, and my husband is not helpful - he tries, but he does not have a clue. Stop reading about the horrible things that can happen, and just ecourage your husband to become more educated - count those carbs! It's a matter of portion control, diet, exercise, and stress management. the one thing you can do to help is to put your husband in touch with a dietician or diabetic consultant - these individuals can be really helpful and are very matter of fact - for example, your husband CAN have chocolate - he just has to trade something for it! e-Life is a great site that busts the myths and gives you simple, accurate inforamtion. Don't read the information that pharmaceutical companies put out - it will scare the hell out of you (deliberately, I believe) so that you will push their products.

I count carbs, diet and exercise, take Metformin (less side affects than most of the newer meds) and try to manage my stress levels. An occasional visit with a diabetic counselor helps keep me on track and gives me new ideas of how to manage a crazy schedule and keep my diabetes under congtrol.

Stop concentrating on YOUR distress, and put your husband in touch with educators - dieticians, dLife, other websites, etc., that will give him the tools to handle his diabetes. Chill. Your HUSBAND is the person who must own the diabetes, not you. Good Luck.

Bonnie

Hopieland
Hopieland 2011-04-02 12:01:55 -0500 Report

Hi. You've made a good choice. Venting your real feelings will help you, and coming to this community will, also. T2 is not a death sentence. It doesn't have to become a downward spiral, either. Yes, it can be, but doesn't have to be. Many D's live happy, normal lives. I think you will find once the initial tests are done, and the initial Dr visits to help get your hubby stabilized are behind you, things will begin to make more sense AND settle down for both of you. Your emotions are in an uproar (exactly how I reacted!) and will run away with you as long as you let THEM stay in control. Sounds like you need to take some time alone to sort through things to get a handle on all the fearful thots flooding in on you right now. Slow down. Take some deep breaths and get some facts. If we all told you our first reactions, you'd find most of us were in shock, too. D has no blatant symptoms. There are some, but they're very subtle. I had no idea I was T2 until, like your hubby, a routine physical for a Class B driver's license revealed it. I had no clue…no warning, either. One thing in your favor is you are both still relatively young. T2 can be managed with good nutrition and meds. It will probably take time to find those balances, but it's process and you don't need to be a rocket scientist. It can be frustrating until you do find the balance that works for you, but take heart. YOU CAN DO IT.
Instead of imagining all the scary things that could happen to your hubby, who you obviously love greatly (or to your marriage), start teaching yourself to see this as an opportunity for both of you to grow and develop new habits. When you look at your marriage, "forever" is a good thing, right?. So…work on seeing this "forever" as a chance to insure your life together will be long and happy. Many articles "out there" would scare even the bravest heart. Ask questions here about what to read, what to believe about T2…anything you're concerned about. We'll be here for you both…kinda as a second family, if you will. Begin to reinforce your future for a good life together w/T2 the same way you've worked at having a successful marriage. Your hubby probably knows you're struggling. He is too. This is a good place to dump all your fears and feelings safely. Calm down…get quiet within yourself. Step back from the situation…look at it…and determine together you are going to find what works. YOU CAN DO IT. I'll be here for ya and so will others. Most of us have been where you are now. We're here to help. Talk to us some more! Your openness about your feelings is refreshing. Getting them outside yourself is the first step toward dealing with…and overcoming them.

msann
msann 2011-03-28 21:54:05 -0500 Report

hi, my hubby doesnt have diabetes i do , but he gives me great support, you are so very blessed to have your hubby still with you, both of you are learing together, your love and patience and your faith will carry you both each day, pray, and i also will be praying for you both, dont look down always look up

realsis77
realsis77 2011-03-28 11:28:58 -0500 Report

Hi. What your feeling is normal. I'm a type two diabetic in my early 40s and it hit me as a surprise too! I take insulin now to control my diabetes and I have excellent control now. Be there to support him. Buy books on cooking diabetic foods, buy books on the newly diagnosed diabetic. Books really helped me come to grips with things!the cookbooks really helped me make better meal choices too! It does get better I promise! Once you learn what to eat or what to make him to eat it gets a lot easier! You want to choose foods that are low on the glycemic index. You can look up the glycemic index and it will give you a good idea of what's good and low and what's bad and high. Also make sure his blood sugar runs UNDER 150 because damage can occur at 150 or above! The most important thing is to make a treatment plan with his doctor to help lower the blood sugar. Weather it be pills or diet or insulin. I was put on pills first and I kept running high on my blood sugar. My doctor then put me on insulin.you should not let him continue to run high. His doctor should help with this. He needs to get his treatment plan worked out. Pills don't work for everyone. They didn't work for me so I went to the next step and I'm so glad I did. The insulin keeps me under control so I'm keeping my sugar where it needs to be. As long as your husband keeps his sugar under control he can lead a happy full healthy life! Even me having to take insulin I lead a normal healthy life! It becomes like. Second nature. Just follow his treatment plan and make sure he checks his sugar as recomended by his doctor. I check mine four times a day. This is what my doctor recomended. Be supportive. You can lead a healty normal life and please keep that in mind! Changes will be made in diet and treatment plan but as long as he keeps his sugar under control he will be fine ! Normal and healthy! I'll be here for you to answer any questions and help in any way I can!remember its a life style change. You can do it! Stay strong and be there for him! God bless

kashew
kashew 2011-03-28 00:43:58 -0500 Report

Thank you for the welcome to DC. I would like to welcome you to Rohnert Park, CA. I also have one of those great husbands, I was told I had type 2 diabetes right after my second neck surgery, as soon as my spouse got home he started looking for recipies to fix for me during my recovery. This wonderful man made his famous snickerdoodle cookies diabetic style, I was so sick that I never tasted them but I can say since then I have tried them. They are wonderful.I have since had my 3 neck surgery and am still struggling with the healing process. My husband is such an insporation for me. I was the third in my family to be diagnosed, however my mom and brother are not doing much to control theirs, this is very discouraging. I am so blessed to have a husband that wishes to do whats best for the other half of this marriage.

Graylin Bee
Graylin Bee 2011-03-27 23:35:39 -0500 Report

Hi and welcome to DC. I understand how it is to deal with a spouse with a medical problem and also Parents and Parent-in-Laws. But only my Mother-in-Law and myself have personaly dealt with Diabetes. Since I am a Person With Diabetes (PWD) I will turn the keyboard over to my husband. He is the secondary person dealing with this disease.
Hello: I was fortunate. We had helped my mom when she had diabetes. I learned a great deal from my wife's research. I volunteered at the Assisted
Living Home where she worked, and learned a great deal of food tips watching her cook for the residents.
I fix her meals with the balance of protein and carbs which best satisfy her BGL, try my best to listen when she is having a bad time (I'm a guy, the wife filter
switch is a hard throw). All in all, she has made it pretty easy for me.
The actual diagnosis time, well, she learned she had diabetes from the hospital dietician while ordering lunch while she was undergoing wound care. I learned
of it when I returned to the room after the wound care nurses were finished. Honestly, she was in such pain and critical condition, my general overload added it to the stack, and I dealt with it by degrees during the following month or so when she was in the hospital.
Since her release, and through her recovery, we're both playing it by ear. She supports my conditions, I try to support hers. One day at a time.

Graylin Bee
Graylin Bee 2011-03-28 11:24:17 -0500 Report

I do understand your frustration and fear. When my husband had his incomplete spinal cord injury life felt like it was begining to spin out of control. One day life as usual, the next so much had changed. The illusion of security was shattered. I felt like i was drowning. We both kept repeating, At least he could walk and the surgeon didn't know how or why.
There have been many times I have wanted to scream, throw things, throw up, and/or just shut down and curl up in a closet in the dark. Two days after his surgery was one of those days. His father had died three day before. I had worked my night shift and was up for over 30 hrs the day of surgery. He still had no movement at all in his lower left leg, where before the surgery there had at least been a little movement. It was so hard to tell him I felt no movement. He had been so sure he felt his foot move.
It hurts to see him almost fall when his dropped left foot catches on something a mere 1/2 inch difference in floor height. I feel guilty if I don't pay close enough attentiion to our surroundings to warn hm of any danger. I am so afraid his condition will get worse. He is most likely tiredof hearing me say "Leave it, I'll pick it up" every time he drops something because he can't feel some of his fingers and has hand spasms at times. Also bending is an awkward and often painful experience for him. I feel frustrated with myself when I get impatient (not often but often enough) becuase he walks slow. He used to outpace me.
Then, 2 and 1/2 years later, my medical disaster hit, with the added bonus of the diabetes.
What has helped me cope is humor, celebrating every small bit of progress, hoping for improvemnt, and the belief that what I do will have an impact on others. If I give into the fear what will the message be to my greatnephews. If I just give up when things are hard what example wil that be for my nieces and nephews who may have to face hard times themselves someday.
Today he can bend better than he could last year. I just watched Him do it as he picked up yet another dropped item. I am cheering that victory.
We used to take long walks on a short pier. Then laugh because he didn't have to worry about reachng the other end and falling off. Now we have to find safer places for longer walks, he can reach the end and never knew how to swim.

maxshockwave
maxshockwave 2011-04-19 22:20:08 -0500 Report

Lifestyle changes are very important, first the out-look 'must' be postive; for both of you, look upon it with Thanksgiving, prayers of gratitude for continued life, as when we are at our weakest, our lord in Jesus' name is at his greatest grace to increase our 'Faith' in the purpose of everything always working for the good. A friend of mine went into full-denial at the infirmity of diabeties, lost faith, and the will to deal with it, he has passed within a year, because he would take no meds, or exercise, and continued eating whatever suited his whim, it is the choice he made; it resulted in death. No saint here, not everything that should be done for myself is included in my coping of the T2 as a (PWD). Exercise every other day for at least 3 times a week, under doctors care 10 - 20 minutes of vigorous exercise ( a three mile walk is good ), something every day is better, but the truth is that really is a chore, and is hard to maintain for me, good intentions do not get oit done, but the guilt of not doing something is not yet overcome but the bliss at just skipping it, know that exercise is like meds, due to the fact that less meds are needed, and absorbed and processed better with exercise, as many studies say, and experience has proved. My blood glucose was at 770 when diagnosed last February, pills alone did not let me get it managed, on insulin now, and have found with exercise, a twice daily injection allows me to keep my sugar down in near normal 91-136 levels, without exercise they are 144-250 easily.
There are many recipes, and food recomendations here, no other site is as valuable to me, but it is only one of my many options. Please do not try to dictate your spouses diet & excercise, those that do are alienated, those that care alot and are willing to walk with me, or eat right choices with me are welcome, those that feed me sugar or big meals are 'loved' but avoided, I think of me 1st as I must to manage and control my choices, but fat in the blood makes fat in the head that does not always allow me to make the right choices, and when my sugar is up I am like the "Hulk", with a rage inside that is difficult if not impossible to control. I do 'blow-up, pop-off, & shut-down, sometimes I even regret it later, and even more rare I will apologize, pray that it goes better for you, and yours.